Joy Sucking Ghost Wife

This is a Really Real Widow Post.

I’m supposed to be on cloud nine right now.

And on one hand I am (Probably my left hand, the one wearing my shiny new ring.)

On the other hand, I’m stuck in widow hell.

There is so much grief over my happiness.  Grief I didn’t expect.  And I don’t know what to do with it, where to put it, where to store it this time around.  You’d think by now, I’d be used to this.

Every major event brings with it mourning because Parker isn’t here to see it and be a part of it.

But I don’t want Parker to be a part of my engagement to Wonder Woman.

I also hate that Parker has to be dead for me to have an engagement to Wonder Woman.

And I just want to be engaged, lovingly engaged, happily engaged, without it pulling up all of these feelings about a ghost.  It’s as if I’m still afraid of hurting her even though she’s dead and gone.  But I don’t even want to be thinking about any of this, I just want to be engaged.

A woman, engaged, to her fiancee.

I don’t want to be a widow right now.  I just want to enjoy this ring on my finger.

But the more I push these emotions away, the more I push them down and the more I reject this grief, the more it will push back.

I just need to learn how to let these emotions have their space with this.  They caught me off guard with the intensity and persistence and I wasn’t prepared.  Sometimes grief comes back up at inopportune times, and I don’t really get a choice in that.

I feel guilty about it.  I feel guilty for being a widow who is now engaged, and I feel guilty for being engaged and thinking about my widowhood.

Widowing ain’t easy.

4 thoughts on “Joy Sucking Ghost Wife

  1. I have a very dear friend who is widowed. I went to high school with her and her now passed husband. She went to a lovely program called Soaring Spirits? It is a widow Bootcamp. Maybe they have something going on in your area. I recommend this because you are not the only one that has felt this way. My friend is remarried. Of course, she stills loves her first husband. They were high school sweethearts and had two beautiful children together. But they had a very open relationship and spoke about what they wanted for each other if death should happen. He wanted her to move on. This doesn’t mean that she doesn’t love him any less. She loves her new husband of course, and he is a wonderful bonus dad. But she found that the past and the present can co-exist. It is natural to still grieve. And I’m sure your partner understands this. And your partner isn’t asking you to forget your past. You can love again. You are worthy to love again. Have no shame in that. The pain will never go away. You are always going to miss your loved one. But some days will be better than others. You just need time. ❤ Take all the time you need. And be gentle with yourself.

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  2. I am so sorry you are going through this. Everyone deserves pure happiness when they get engaged. It must be so hard to be widowed. I can’t offer advice, but my thoughts and prayers are with you.

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