Soul Sucking Sadness

This is a Really Real Mental Health Post.

Trigger Warning:  Suicidal Thoughts

It is amazing how quickly I go from “eh, I’m having a bit of a rough time, but things are pretty good.” to “Holy shit, I’m in over my head and my thoughts are scaring me.”

adult alone backlit black and white

Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

 

It’s hard to believe that 5 days ago I was proposing to my future wife and today I’m thinking about ending my life.

Don’t get me wrong.  I’m mostly safe.  I know the thoughts are just thoughts and I’m able to let them pass through without acting on them, but sometimes they’re getting awful loud.

I am supposed to be away at a conference today and tomorrow.  Was supposed to leave a few hours ago.  The school paid for my ticket and lodging and I was going to ride up with Batwoman.  I was really looking forward to the topic and the discussions that I’d be a part of.  But my anxiety kicked in so badly that I just couldn’t go.  I started looking for any escape to avoid it, including the idea of death and that’s when I realized I just needed to give myself permission to cancel.

It fucking sucks though, because I wanted to be there, and on top of that I’m letting people down by not going.  Batwoman got stuck going alone and dealing with her own anxiety, and the school is out the money they paid for my ticket, and there are probably people who wanted to go and couldn’t because I said I was going and now I didn’t.

It’s one of those times where taking care of myself and doing what I knew I had to do makes me feel like a total fuck up.  One of those times where my mental health feels like it has total control of me and like I’ll never really get control of it.

I cancelled going to Roller Derby last night as well, for the same reason.  My anxiety is out of control.  I’m not quite to the point where I can’t leave the house, but anything having to do with crowds of people and the thought of it makes me want to recoil.  Normally I can push past it, but right now it just feels like too much.  The thought of pushing beyond the anxiety makes me literally suicidal.

If I’m dead I don’t have to deal with this anxious bullshit.

If I’m dead I don’t have to keep letting people down.

If I’m dead I don’t have to keep fighting my own brain just to live an average life.

If I’m dead I don’t have to worry about becoming home bound again.

If I’m dead I don’t have to worry.

Wonder Woman is going out of town for the weekend and I’ve already played out the fact that it would be two days before anyone found me.

Of course I immediately chastised myself for even having those thoughts, but they’re there.  What good is it beating myself up for thoughts, I just let them pass through, but this is what it’s like in my head when it gets dark up there.

So, I take more of the medication that I’m supposed to increase when this stuff happens.  I get myself out of bed early and make myself do the dishes and follow some sort of routine.  I sit down and write and shine some light into all of the dark spaces.

And I hold on.

Hold on.

Hold on.

3 thoughts on “Soul Sucking Sadness

  1. Hold on lovely – these are just thoughts, they don’t need to be acted upon. Sometimes I feel that once we have gone to ‘that place’ in our minds its kind of like opening a secret door that can’t be closed, its easier for those thoughts to then be formed and they don’t cause the same shock anymore, they are just… there.

    You did an important thing though, you listened to yourself and took appropriate action – and that shows real bravery ❤ People understand, they understand more than we give them credit for most of the time and I'm sure that those that know and love you would want you to be safe and happy and well-rested, rather than making yourself ill by going to this conference. Take good care of yourself and be super kind to yourself over the weekend 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

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