This is a Really Real Mental Health Post.
I wish I could take a side step off of this roller coaster and just settle.
Wheeeeeeeee. I’m up high.
I was driving last night and my anxiety was through the roof. Every time another car came near me I was seeing the impending accident. It’s not all that often that I get to drive, and normally I love it, but last night was just terrifying. Luckily it was late enough that there weren’t many cars on the road and I only had to focus on my own anxiety about the car blowing up or a tire blowing or something happening to cause me to have an accident by myself.
I didn’t go to bed till after 5:30 in the morning. Just couldn’t stop.
Unfortunately I can’t get wrapped up into productive things like cleaning the house, which would be nice right now after a week of depression, instead I’m crafting and making more of a mess. But I’m having fun and making really cool things, so there’s that.
My brain is going a million miles a second and my urge is to drink coffee and take my ADHD meds and stay awake and focused and keep going going going, but I also know that it is an incredibly bad idea to do such things so I’m avoiding coffee (WHAT!?!) and my ADHD meds until I float back down.
I’m hoping I don’t just suddenly crash.
I also wonder how much of this is a mixed episode (and why do I even care, it is just exactly what it is) because my body image issues are still there this time.
I’m not getting comments about my “amazing energy” from strangers and those comments are always a sure sign that I’m going manic. I’m still pretty withdrawn and not interacting with people on the street and in stores so I’ve probably got a pretty good lid on it.
It’s probably just more mixed episode. At least the suicidal thoughts are gone for now.
But my thoughts are going zoom zoom all over my brain. I feel like there’s an interrogation light in my skull and shining onto the back of my eyes and like the bright light is shining out everywhere and everyone can see. Not literally, but I just feel like I’m radiating, something. Like I’m vibrating with the number of thoughts that are pinging around all over the place.
And they are dying to get out, I want to talk about them but I can’t organize them enough to get them into the air.
And I want to buy all of the things. I NEED to buy all of the things, Right, Now.
And I have really good reasons for wanting all of the things Right Now. And they make perfect sense in my head. But they probably don’t make actual sense in the long run and sometimes it’s so hard to understand how something can seem so clear and true right now, but once this neurotransmitter induced high wears off it will seem so dumb.
I have to live with any of the decisions I make now, even once I come back down.
Mania seems like so much fun from the outside. But from the inside, it’s just a different kind of mental illness hell.