This is a Really Real Mental Health Post.
When coming out of depression, I clean up any mess that piled up while even basic functioning was difficult. This typically means doing some extra dishes, cleaning up more around the house, catching up on school work, and maybe a few extra difficult days at the gym while I get back into the routine.
When coming out of mania/hypomania, I clean up any mess of my life that I made while I was making irrational decisions that seemed incredibly rational at the time. This meant today was spent visiting multiple stores and returning things that I at least had the foresight to leave unopened.
My therapist mentioned that in the past I would do way more irreversable damage while manic, and I would come out of it a tearful mess as I crashed back down to earth and realized just how out of control my emotions had gotten. This time I used a lot of tools to stay mindful of what was going on. I was incredibly aware of my mental state. I made some unwise decisions with money, but still made sure the bills were paid first, and didn’t open all of the things I bought so that I could still return them.
There’s still some catch up that will need to be played financially. I still spent money that I didn’t plan on spending, but it’s not as bad as it could have been.
And now I’m just kind of here.
My head is still spinning from the high of mania, almost like withdraw from whatever chemicals and neurotransmitters cause that high. I’m also still convinced that this is part of this mixed mood deal because underneath all of it is still a depressive mood that just won’t quit.
At least the suicidal thoughts have stayed quiet for a few days now.
I do have to say, I’m so so so thankful for the friendships I have online and in person. I’ve had 3 or 4 people routinely checking in with me through messenger. Just a quick “Hey, how are you doing?” throughout the day every day since Friday.
Not everyone has that kind of support. I’m lucky that I have it. I appreciate them so much more than I think they know. Support like that is what helps to keep me going through the hard stuff.
I already miss the fun part of the mania, but I don’t miss the increased anxiety, and I don’t miss the constant beating myself up for spending money and not being able to stop it.
I’m sure I’ll end up going round and round again at some point. It isn’t like I get to step off of this roller coaster.
But I do get some control over it now.
And that’s pretty amazing.