This is a Really Real Mental Health Post.

This is one of my longer ones.

I stayed in bed till after 1pm.

Then I was angry at myself because the sink was full of dishes from two nights ago and I couldn’t even make myself my “morning” cup of coffee until I washed them.

Which meant putting away the last set of dishes I washed.

All I wanted was a fucking cup of coffee.

No, really I just wanted to be in bed sleeping still, because, fuck today.

See, yesterday I had a really full day and I had it planned out perfectly.  Mobility ride to DBT, Mobility picking me up right afterwards and taking me to the library where I could get lunch and then work on homework until the NAMI meeting, Mobility picking me up right afterwards and taking me to the Skating Rink for Roller Derby, and then catching a ride home with someone.

And then Mobility was 30 minutes late in the morning and left me anxious the whole way to DBT, barely getting me there on time.  Then they were hours late picking me up from DBT, leaving me sitting in the waiting room when I should have been doing homework, and getting me to the NAMI meeting 30 minutes late.  Then they were late picking me up from the NAMI meeting, and the library closed, and I wasn’t really dressed for the change in temperature after the sun went down so I stood outside in the cold for 30 minutes and got to Derby later then I should have.

It didn’t help that all of the late running rides left me no time to grab food before the NAMI meeting I didn’t eat from 10am till almost 11pm.

Normally I feel like I’m lucky to have Mobility (paratransit, door to door public transportation for people that are disabled), and I am, it’s far more possible for me then buses would be.  But lately they have been so late, so often, and it’s been causing so many problems for me.

This time I was already crashing into depression, but when I feel like I am getting kicked by transportation issues every time I turn around, it wears on me.  I ended up in tears more than once.

And this morning I just couldn’t function.  I turned off my alarm and didn’t go to school.  I stayed in bed all day and didn’t bother fighting it until I knew my body would ache too much if I didn’t climb out.

I fight against this so hard, so often, and sometimes there is just no fight left.  I haven’t been to the gym in who knows how long.  Normally I can at least find some string to grab hold of so I can get myself there, but right now, every time it’s brought up, I say no.  I don’t feel like fighting it, because I’m fighting too many other battles with myself.

This time of year is so so hard, so far I’m handling it better than I have in years past but it’s still there pulling at me.  Reminding me that even with growth I’ll still have to fight against this with everything I have sometimes.  It hurts and it’s hard and I hate it.  I want to just lay there in bed and give up.

I would love it if all this mental health shit would go a bit easier on me.  I honestly, sometimes, feel like with everything I’ve been through, I deserve an easier time with this.

But it is what it is.  This is where I’m at and what I’ve been given.

And right now I’m crafting and working on some small projects, and sometime today I’m going to go out for a walk and try to get some fresh air.  My sink is empty because I did all of the dishes.  I have a really yummy dinner planned for tonight.  As hard as it is, I’m still fighting against this.  And when I list it all out, I realize that I really am winning so many battles.

Even though I slept most of the day, even though I still want to be there in bed, and I just want to give up . . .

I’m not.