This is a Really Real Mental Health Post.

I’m sick.

Like, fever hit 102, glands all swollen, ear hurts, hurts to swallow, body aches, sick.

Thanks plane germs.

Along with being sick, my emotions are right out the window.  I want my mommy, I want Wonder Woman, I want to be pampered, I don’t want to deal with this, it fucking hurts and I’m over it, I’ve cried multiple times because I just feel like I can’t take it.  Suicidal thoughts have even crept in.

Over a virus.

I feel like I should be handling this better.  It’s just a virus.

In DBT we learned the acronym PLEASE for emotion regulation.

Treat PhysicaL illness, balance Eating, avoid mood-Altering substances, balance Sleep, get Exercise.

Doing those things for your body will decrease your vulnerability and help control emotional reactivity.

Well . . . . I really have to look at this realistically.

I went to the doctor to treat my physical illness, it’s viral, I’m doing the best I can to treat it but in the meantime it still makes me more vulnerable because I’m sick.  I can’t just make myself better.

I can’t really eat a balanced diet right now, I’m eating when the pain lets up enough to let me swallow foods, mostly soup and soft stuff.  This looks and feels like strep (and the doc was surprised the test was negative) so food just hurts.  Lack of regular eating is fucking with my blood sugar and my emotions.

I’m avoiding mood-altering substances, so that’s a plus.

Balanced Sleep is almost impossible.  I’m sleeping for about an hour at a time, waking up and tossing and turning for awhile before I get back to sleep.

Exercise is also not happening.  I was back in the gym and back to walking and right now, even letting the dog out feels like too much work.

So it makes sense that I’m emotionally reactive right now, and in a lot of ways the vulnerability factors are out of my control so it’s more a matter of radical acceptance, which is just HARD STUFF.

I don’t want to be sick.

I have derby stuff planned this weekend while Wonder Woman is out of town.  I’m going to let a lot of people down if I don’t bounce back quickly and make it to these events.  It also means I’m spending a lot of time just laying around which is super bad for my mental health when I’m alone.

I know that taking care of me is the most important but this is hard hard stuff when I’m used to pushing through to do all of the things whenever possible.