This is a Really Real Parenting Post.
We have a totally different relationship now.
It’s 6am texts with “Hey, mom have you heard this song?” while he’s finishing his shift at work and I’m still sleeping.
It’s check in texts from both of us “How’s work going?” “How are you feeling today?”
It’s almost weekly phone calls and the occasional video chats where we catch up on how life is really treating us and discuss serious world topics that make my heart swell with pride when I realize how grown he really is.
It’s both of us talking about our relationships and how happy we are but also talking about problems and getting advice from a different perspective.
I still love those texts where he shares a song with me. Music speaks to both of us in ways that a lot of people can’t fathom. One of my favorite trips was shortly after Parker died, a road trip together, to NY, going back and forth sharing the songs that were getting us through the loss. By the end we were singing each others songs and crying together.
This morning he sent me one of his current songs. I did what I do and pulled up the video and the lyrics.
By the end of the first chorus I was crying.
That great big ugly cry that felt like it had been pent-up for years (but it hadn’t).
I knew why he sent it to me.
Not to make me cry, of course, but it spoke to me about his childhood, in a loose round about way, without being specific. Of hard times he and I had, before he left, where we fought non-stop about everything and anything. It spoke of a mother, me, who wasn’t well and a kid who finally understood that the mother was doing the best she could.
“And though you say the days are happy, why is the power off and I’m fucked up?”
And the thing is, we could both be reading totally different things into these songs. Sometimes we discuss them and realize we are. I haven’t had a chance to really talk about this one with him.
I love that he trusts me enough to share this stuff with me. I didn’t have a relationship with my parents where I could have discussed my music with them at his age, or really at any age. They didn’t get it, and didn’t really want to.
My relationship with Kidlet is different now.
It’s 2,700 miles different.
It’s full-grown man different.
It’s still pretty damn amazing and I wouldn’t trade it for the world.