This is a Really Real Mental Health Post.
I went to sleep at midnight last night.
I woke up at 3am.
I tried to go back to sleep but at about 4 I finally got up.
My 3 hour sleep nights end up being my most productive and often, my most positive mood, days.
I’ve cleaned the kitchen and pulled meat out for dinner and made myself breakfast and written a 3 page paper for English and started another paper for Health.
And it’s not even 6 am.
But now I’m tired and my alarm would be going off any minute now.
It’s almost like being sick and sleeping for two days was the mental health reset I needed. Yesterday I woke up super early and went through a very busy day, including hours on multiple unfamiliar buses, and I didn’t crash for a change. Lately I have been crashing each day and ending up on the verge of tears for over the most mundane things.
I mean, for the most part, things haven’t been horrible, I haven’t had too much of the asshole brain going on, just quiet chirps of suicidal thinking. I haven’t been soul crushingly depressed, but just enough that it’s a struggle to plan out a menu for the week, or cook dinner each night, or even get out of bed when I need to.
I haven’t really been going to school and I’ve been brushing it off as “the teacher doesn’t actually care about attendance anyway.”
But it’s depression.
And right now it feels like a breath of fresh air.
We adjusted some meds at my last appointment 2 weeks ago and I think that made a difference. I see her again today and I don’t think we need to change anything, I think I’m okay where I’m at for the time being. It’s rare that I see my pdoc and we don’t shift something around.
I write about the super bad, and I write about the super good, and today, so far is just somewhere in between. So here’s what that looks like.
And I like it.