This is a Really Real Mental Health Post.
TW: Suicdal Thoughts. Guns. Possibly disturbing descriptions.
I spent most of yesterday evening in bed, under my blankets.
Wide awake, but shutting the world out.
Suicidal thoughts swirling around, like stars in the galaxy.
I had plans and means but couldn’t hold onto a thought long enough to have the drive to put anything into action.
I guess my scatter brain saved me from becoming any real danger to myself.
Either way it was uncomfortable and I was afraid to get out of bed because then the means would be too accessible.
And when I’d lose track of my suicidal thoughts I didn’t want to get out of bed because I was just to defeated to move.
I kept hearing a gun shot going off in my head.
Not that I have access to guns, I know better, but I just kept hearing the sound reverberating in my head.
It’s what happens when the thoughts get bad. It’s been the same since middle school. The thoughts would get bad and I knew there was a loaded gun in my dad’s night stand drawer and I could hear it going off in my head.
And I’d fight against letting it happen.
I wonder what it feels like when the barrel is pressed against your skull?
I wonder what it sounds like when the gun goes off?
Does it sound different when the vibrations are right there up close?
Do you even have time to hear it?
I wonder if I would screw that up too and live and just be a burden on everyone around me.
It really is better that I don’t have access to guns.
And the thing is, I’m not actually having a horrible morning. I woke up, I measured out my food and logged it in a new program I’m trying. I’m planning on being all crafty and making shit in a little bit.
But still, the dark thoughts are just swirling around.
I’d kinda rather be dead.
I wish it was a therapy day, not that therapy is a quick fix but I always feel safer when she reassures me that these thoughts aren’t going to kill me. That I don’t need to be locked away to be safe from myself. That this isn’t a crisis.
It feels like a crisis but also doesn’t.
They are just there, quietly hanging over my shoulder.
I feel like I can almost have a conversation with them.
“Hey, what’s up? Please don’t let the cat out as you come and go.”