This is a Really Real Mental Health Post.
Mentally, I still feel like shit.
But a little less like shit then I felt yesterday, so that’s a plus, I guess.
The difference between, I really want to die
I just don’t want to live.
And for those who have never been here, there’s a distinctive difference.
Today is a good day for that difference, because today I have a final exam to go take for my health class.
A final exam that I may not have shown up for yesterday, but today I’ll at least show up.
I all but aced my English class. Two points shy of a perfect score. I’m still waiting on a few grades to come back from health, but I think I’ll pull at least a b, depends on how I do on this final that I didn’t study for.
Yesterday was rough. I spent most of the day in bed with covers over my head. I got up to cook but didn’t clean and my sink is overflowing with dishes.
We had dill pickle chicken wings for dinner which were both amazing and time consuming. Even though I baked them, my house smells like fried food, which is kind of annoying.
When I’m depressed like that I’m also super triggery, although I hate the word trigger. But the wrong sound from a video game or the wrong scene in a movie will go straight through me and I’ll need to run and hide, or I’ll want to fight back against it. But I can’t find my words to ask Wonder Woman to turn the TV down or that I can’t handle that movie right now. Sometimes I’ll put headphones in so that I’m not a bother, so that I can just zone out into my own world at the computer.
Other times I run away to the bedroom, into my safe space. Under my down comforter with the covers pulled up over my head. Just enough light filters through that it’s not completely dark in there. The sound is muffled like when there’s a few feet of snow outside.
I feel safe.
I always quietly hope that Wonder Woman will eventually come and check on me even if I can’t quite tell her all of what is wrong.
She is part of my safe space.
I also hate that I just walk away without telling her that I’m going. Words are hard when I feel like that. I want to shrink into my own skin.
I don’t want to admit that I need to hide from the world and speaking it out loud makes it too real.
Makes it too noticeable.
Makes me feel like I’m over reacting.
Like I’m being a drama queen.
But today is better. Today the sounds aren’t quite as loud and I don’t need to run.
Today I don’t want to die.
I’m just not quite sure I’m ready to live.