This is a Really Real Mental Health Post.
Today, I ended up being just like that kid sitting all alone in the corner of the party.
You see, I won’t skate anymore. I fell 8 months ago, or so, and got a bad concussion. It wasn’t my first concussion on skates. I’m not stable enough and my weight plays a large part in that.
I can’t risk knocking my head around again this soon. It takes the brain a really long time to fully heal.
Besides that, I just want to be smaller and stronger the next time I get up on 8 wheels.
Anyway, this made me just like that kid sitting all alone in the corner of the party.
There were other people at the party that didn’t skate, but they weren’t there from derby, and they seemed to know other people at the party.
The only people that I knew at the party were from derby, and all of the derby people, including Wonder Woman, were skating the whole time.
At least Wonder Woman skated up to the wall to say hi to me every once in awhile.
But I was still just like that kid sitting all alone in the corner of the party.
I couldn’t bring myself to walk up to one of the groups of people I didn’t know. And by the end, when derby people started taking breaks, I was so wrapped up in my own anxiety that I couldn’t even walk over to talk to them.
I had started to feel like I was back in grade school. Always on the outside of the crowd. Always left out. Always alone except for the thoughts in my head that wouldn’t shut up.
I convinced myself they didn’t want me around.
I decided I was just like that kid sitting all alone in the corner of the party.
Really Real Blog 
You showed up even though your thoughts tried to convince you differently. Because my anxiety has prevented me from experiencing so many events that I really wanted to, what I occasionally do is bring my headphones so that I can listen to music or an audiobook on my phone . Only if I find it difficult to engage. I will try to be cordial and speak but then I’m beelining for a cozy corner… I don’t care if I’m off to the side as long as I’m present. Those are stressful but still good days. And those are the days that you congratulate yourself for being a total badass! You did it and now you can relax and decompress. Rooting for you…
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My headphones are my constant companion but I try so so hard not to use them in social situations. I’m sitting in a coffee shop right now with headphones in (listening to P!NK’s new album).
I was a total badass for going and staying though!
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You really were! That’s MAYJAH! 😬👊🏽
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I give you an awful lot of credit. You at least went (Knowing all these feelings in the back of your mind). You made a wise decision not to get injured again.
My anxiety was crippling me for so long, and I’ll tell you… It has been kept at bay for close to two-three months now. Other than the medication that I take, I contribute the calm to listening to nature sounds on youtube. There are a couple of them. Simply listening to birds for a few hours a day (While writing, cleaning, or whatever) it has really calmed the anxiety that was damning me.
I hope you find your calming soon. I’m sorry you felt horrible today. God Bless You.
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I’ll have to try that. I’ve been listening to a lot more piano music, especially when I write or study, and that seems to help in a lot of areas of my life. I’ll try nature sounds next! Thank you.
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I used to listen to piano music all of the time. I have so many pieces that I enjoyed. But, one day my therapist questioned me if certain pieces triggered emotions. Naturally, I replied yes. Several of them did.
Since I changed over to nature sounds, I’m much calmer… Birds don’t trigger me one bit. LOL!
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You still went to the party, and that definitely counts for something.
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I do give myself a lot of credit for going. We forgot the present and I had to go back home after we first got there, and I almost didn’t go back.
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we all feel this way at some point in our lives too, I struggle with anxiety and mental health issues and 90% of it is in your head! but that doesn’t make it any less real to you. I’ve felt like an outsider, like a loser and like people don’t want me around. but you just have to find your right people and possibly meds if that is something you are interested in. I feel your pain girl!
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I’m sorry that ANY of us have to feel this way, but yeah, we all go through it sometime.
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