This is a Really Real Widow Post.
This week is moving so slowly.
Friday and Saturday will be three years but the time leading up to it drags forever. I just want to get to Sunday so Parker’s Deathday can pass and I can get on with living.
Last night I was so angry, and I know it was partially related to grief and widow bullshit and it wanted to direct itself at Sarah Jane even though she did nothing wrong. I felt the need to be a total bitch so I completely withdrew.
Eventually I sent her a message telling her why, but I still felt like shit for avoiding her all night.
And today I’m replaying my last day with Parker over and over in my head. It doesn’t help that I woke up thinking today was the 7th.
I wish it was so I could get that day over with.
When I relive that last day I’m reminded why I’m so afraid to get angry with people. So afraid to want help, so afraid to need someone to do more than they naturally want to do.
I just needed more help around the house but I didn’t know how to ask for it without it turning into a fight. And no matter how much I try to tell myself that the fight didn’t kill her, I will always feel like it did. I will always feel like my need for more is what pushed her over the edge.
I’m seeing the house the way it was set up on that final day. Seeing her in her spot on the old couch. Seeing her on her ankle scooter wheeling away from me. Hearing the last few angry words we said to each other before I came out to sleep on the couch.
And then I’m feeling the absolute silence when I went into bed a few hours later. The silence I didn’t recognize until I tried to wake her up the next morning.
It’s replaying over and over again in my mind. I can see all of the spots that I could have done something differently, something that would have saved her. I’ve thought about them a million other times.
But I also know nothing will bring her back. It is as it is meant to be.
But I can’t help wondering.
I wish it was Sunday already so this would go away.