This is a Really Real Mental Health Post.
I’m racing the clock with this post.
It’s 14 minutes till therapy and that’s not counting the time it’ll take me to walk from the coffee shop, but I feel the need to get this out of my head before I walk into that office.
So I’m writing.
Today is going to be a hard session.
I know it.
I already know what we’re going to talk about, I’ve known since last night. It’s a hard topic but one I need to work on deeply.
I don’t feel wanted because I don’t feel deserving of that sort of affection. So even though Wonder Women shows me that sort of attention I don’t always see it.
Well, that’s not even it. I see it, but I don’t internalize it.
I see it as something she’s doing out of obligation. Something she’s doing because she has to. Not something she’s doing because she actually wants me or finds my body attractive.
I guess it isn’t self worth exactly.
It’s more body image, but not even that exactly. It’s so complicated.
I’ve lost 20 lbs in the last month (and before someone says that’s too much, my doctors are on board. Noom is the shit and I highly recommend that program to anyone.). I feel like I’m becoming more attractive. I feel sexy, I feel sexual. But I don’t feel like anyone else could possibly see me that way.
Anyway, 3 minutes till therapy and I still have to walk to the building. Guess I should get going.
Today’s session is going to be hard but needed.
I have a love/hate relationship with therapy.