This is a Really Real Mental Health Post.
I’m an Inbox Zero kinda person.
The kinda person that can’t stand those little notification bubbles anywhere.
The kinda person that will leave someone one read just because I have to click on their message to make the notification bubble go away even if I don’t have the time or energy to respond right then.
Right now I have well over 300 unread emails in my gmail account.
Blog posts and important messages and not so important messages and advertisements.
Things I clear out and take care of the second they hit my account.
Right now they are backing up more and more and more.
I don’t really care.
I mean, I guess I do care, I’m in a state of functional depression. It’s not quite dragging me under but I can’t quite stay on top either. I keep dropping some of the balls I’m trying to juggle.
I’m making it to the gym and eating a healthy diet and getting to my appointments but ugh, do I really have to clean the house? Do I really have to take care of my email? Do I really feel like focusing on my blog? Do I really feel like taking care of every day mandatory self care stuff?
Just how mandatory is it?
Can I put that shower off just one more day?
I have phone calls I’ve needed to make. Benefits I really need to apply for.
I keep saying I’ll take care of that tomorrow.
I don’t think I realize how much depression is taking its toll on me until I type it out like this because really, I feel fine. I still feel like I’m finding joy in life, I guess. I’m not actually miserable. I don’t feel sad. I’m not crying.
Mostly I’m not suicidal.
But in between activities my bed keeps calling my name and I fight to stay out of it. Such a comforting nest of blankets to wrap myself in.
It’s funny how depression can hide itself in the middle of a seemingly typical mood.
But over 300 unread emails isn’t typical for me.
And right now I don’t really care.