This is a Really Real Mental Health Post.
Today is one of those days where the only thing on my calendar is my date with gym.
Side note: Gym sure is a lucky person, they get to see me almost every day but I’m not quite sure I enjoy our dates. I’ve considered breaking up with them because sometimes I feel like the relationship is causing me pain, but I guess there are benefits in the long run.
Anyway, as I was saying. Today the only thing I have going on is a trip to the gym in a few minutes (yay for best friends who are also gym buddies and the accountability that goes along with that). After the gym I have a long day of nothing except school work.
Lots of sitting around the house.
Lots of quiet.
Lots of time for my brain to get wrapped up in this depression.
This is the prime time for a problem.
I hate that being still and alone becomes such a problem for my brain.
And it’ll be worse later this week.
Wonder Woman is going out of town for a long weekend and as much as I’d love to say I’m a strong independent woman, I’m also scared of where my brain is going to go during my time alone. I have a whole four day weekend with no real plans, no real desire to make plans, every desire to hibernate, and every bit of knowledge that sitting still will let my brain wander into dangerous territory.
It’s too easy to let suicidal thoughts take hold when I’m alone and still.
But I’m always reminded of the days that I needed a babysitter because Parker was leaving town. I hate feeling like I’m still like that. I hate feeling like nothing has changed.
Maybe this time will be different. Maybe I’ll be just fine. Maybe I’ll suddenly be interested in everything around the house and I won’t have a problem.
I’ve grown so much but yet sometimes I feel like nothing has changed.
I’m a strong, independent, scared-to-be-alone, woman.
Brains are dumb.