This is a Really Real Mental Health Post.
I didn’t want to get out of bed this morning.
But I did.
First I woke up Wonder Woman and asked her to hold me and remind me that it was just depression and that I really did need to get up and go to the gym.
(I realize how lucky I am to have a woman who doesn’t get mad at me when I wake her up for those sorts of reminders. She even threw a “You’ll feel better afterwards” in there.)
And then I packed my bag with clothes for DBT and I went to the gym with Bat Woman and I did the things.
(And Wonder Woman wasn’t wrong. I felt a bit better afterwards.)
And then I went to DBT and participated fully.
And then I sat reading chapters and articles for school while waiting for mobility.
But I still feel like I’m just going through the motions.
I still feel like I’m walking through a fog.
Now that I’m home I want to go take a nap, and I can’t tell if that would be great self care, or if it would be giving into depression. It really could go either way.
I guess it depends on if I get up when I wake up the first time, or if I lay there for 3 hours wallowing in self pity about how this depression
I appreciate the fact that my moods have stabilized on my current medications, however, I kind of miss the hypomania breaking the monotony of the depression.
The other one is, I definitely don’t miss actual crises occurring in my life. I’m so glad I’ve had this past year or two where I haven’t spent most of my time in therapy putting out fires and have instead been able to spend time healing from all of the trauma. But, I miss the rush of crisis mode.
I miss the adrenaline and emotional response that was needed to survive that sort of thing.
Maybe that’s part of my depression. Maybe I was just so used to living in crisis mode for so long that now when I stop, when there isn’t something to fix, a fire to put out, something to be reacting to . . .
Maybe I’m still learning how to just
I’ll get there.