This is a Really Real Mental Health Post.
Today I signed up for 4 fall classes.
The whole time I was questioning the rationality of this judgement. I was doubting my mental state. I was wondering if it was more than I could handle. I was thinking of my past track record. I was pondering the chances of following through.
I was checking for any signs of a manic episode. Making sure my mental health wasn’t making commitments for me.
I know I have a busy fall coming up.
I should be able to schedule bariatric surgery for sometime in October or November.
I should be able to start working part time after I heal from surgery.
I will still have DBT and therapy and my other appointments and followups.
I will still need time for me. Time for self care. Time for fun. Time to make a life worth living.
So I mentally check and check again. Am I manic, am I rushing things, am I making this decision for the wrong reasons. Should I check with someone else and get them to make the decision for me. Maybe I’m not qualified to make decisions for myself.
Maybe I can’t handle this.
Maybe I can’t.
This is what it’s like. I question and second guess and never trust my own instincts. I never feel like I’m capable. I wait for the next time I’m going to fuck it all up. I wonder if I’m setting myself up for failure.
I don’t trust in myself because I’ve let myself down so many times before. Even though I haven’t had a full, long lasting hypomanic episode in quite some time, I fear that I’m making decisions based on grandiose opinions of my abilities.
But maybe I’m not. Maybe this is reasonable. Maybe I’m not giving myself enough credit. Maybe I’m far more capable than I believe I am.
Maybe I just need to try.
“What if I fall? Oh, but my darling, what if you fly?”
― Erin Hanson