This is a Really Real Mental Health Post.
A year ago today I finished the Partial Hospitalization Program. I just read the post I wrote upon leaving. The post where I was unsure, not ready, didn’t think I could make it without the daily routine to back me up. I was still fighting through a mixed mood episode, still dealing with sleep problems, still not quite stable but a lot better than when I started.
I was about to start a Psych Rehabilitation Program, which was a dismal failure and not where I was meant to be at all.
I had started looking into DBT, but couldn’t start there until I let go of my feeling that I needed a more frequent program.
I hadn’t come to terms with my intrusive suicidal thoughts. I still felt I had to make them go away completely. I hadn’t realized that I could coexist with them and learn to live safely in spite of them. Learn to label them as thoughts and let them be, not let them control me. I hadn’t accepted that they will likely be a part of my illness and my life forever.
I hadn’t learned that mindfulness is more than just meditation. I hadn’t learned the countless skills that DBT has taught me.
That PHP stay was really good for me, I learned a lot and developed a few friendships that I still have today (I wish we had more time to talk and hang out).
I also ended up with my psychiatrist, who is amazing. (It’s so difficult to find amazing providers when you’re on government insurance.)
And I have come so far since then.
I have had some mixed mood episodes since the one that landed me in PHP, but nothing that has lasted as long. Some suicidal episodes but they have lasted less than a day (from what I can recall).
I’m glad I do this, writing out my thoughts and posting them. I’m glad they show up every year so I can see how far I’ve come.
I don’t think growing is something that ever stops happening, but I feel like I’m a little bit further along. I feel like, since Partial, I’ve gotten closer to where I want to be. Like maybe. . .
I’m partially there.