In the back of my head.

This is a Really Real Mental Health Post.

There are gunshots going off in the back of my head.

I’m not sure what comes first. The sound of a gunshot, or the first suicidal thought. But eventually I just start hearing the gunshots the entire time I’m stressed about whatever is bothering me.

It’s distracting.

I start trying to distract myself from the problem at hand, to metaphorically put a silencer on the gun, which keeps me from finding a solution to the problem.

And every time my mind drifts back to the problem, the gun starts firing.

And then my mind starts wandering down the list of ways to die.

Which way is the most effective? Which has the least chance of leaving a mess behind for someone else to clean up?

Wait, I don’t want to go down that train of thought, back to distracting myself.

But then I’m not focusing on fixing the problem.

Facing the problems at hand and working on a solution is the most efficient way to deal with this.  The most effective way to deal with this. But sitting down my emotional response to all of it is hard.

The gun shots are loud.

I want to run away and the easiest way my brain can come up with is death, lets just walk away from this permanently.

And stop

repeating

the same

mistakes

over and over and over

again.

But the easiest way to make it all stop is to fix the problem, but to fix the problem I need everything to shut up long enough that I can work on the solution.

Today is hard.

Today is loud.

There are gunshots going off in the back of my head.

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