This is a Really Real Mental Health Post.
I had a conversation in therapy about the fact that I don’t feel like an adult.
My therapist asked why I don’t see myself as a grown up. I started listing off reasons.
I don’t have a car.
I don’t have a job.
I’ve always needed financial help.
I’m not independent.
I can’t budget my own money successfully.
I’m not successful.
I haven’t finished college.
I can’t hold a job even when I get them.
I can’t finish anything I start.
I just kept listing off one thing after another.
I told her I felt that my son was more of an adult than I am. He is truly, the adultier adult, like we always joked about needing when he was younger.
She pointed out that I raised him.
I told her that was easy, he was an easy kid to raise, mostly. He did a lot of it himself, unfortunately, while I was busy helping us survive whatever bullshit I had gotten us into that week, or month, or year.
She asked me if I’d judge anyone else so harshly.
Of course not.
But this is me, and I’m “so smart” and “so intelligent” and I “should be making more of myself” and I’m not.
So how can I really be an adult.
I can’t even keep my sink clear of dishes. I can’t even stay caught up on school work (and it’s at a community college, it’s not like I’m working a full time job at the same time, most of the students are). I can’t even pay my bills on my own without spending too much money and needing to be bailed out again, and again, and again.
This all sounds very whiny.
I want to be so much more than I am. I want to be functional. I want to be . . . typical, for lack of a better word.
I want to be able to spend money on things I need and not get carried away by emotional spending to the point that I end up staring at a negative bank account for the third time in a month, begging for help, again. I want to be able to focus on the things I need to focus on and stop hyperfocusing on the things that don’t matter. I want a fucking car. I want to finish school. I want to be able to work and actually hold down a job.
I want to be a fucking adult.
I want to accomplish more in life then just surviving and keeping a kid alive until 18.
I want to do more.
I just want to grow up.