Heavy.

This is a Really Real Mental Health Post.

Overall, I’m doing fairly well. Even the hard days aren’t all that hard, especially in comparison to where I was a month ago.

A month ago, it’s hard to believe it’s really only been that long since I was inpatient.

I’m doing pretty well.

And I’m still having a hard time with motivation.

I wake up in the mornings and just don’t want to get up and go to PHP even though I know I will do better by being there.

I’m late more often than not.

I give myself credit for going, because even that is a struggle.

I should be spending some time on schoolwork most nights and I know it’s not likely I’ll focus if I go home after PHP.

And I still call my Uber as soon as group lets out.

I’ve had late assignments and missed assignments and I’m still fighting hard to stay on track.

The motivation just isn’t there.

I want to do this stuff. I make great plans. I wake up on time and doze back off. I carry my school work with me everywhere I go.

The bag is heavy.

The weight is heavy.

The guilt is heavy.

The shame is heavy.

I know I am capable and I wonder if I’m not. How will I ever hold down a job if I can’t do these two things?

I know I can succeed and I wonder how long until I fail. How will I ever graduate if I keep dropping classes?

I have no motivation and I feel like shit for that.

And yet, I’m able to do some things that make me feel good. I’m still making cards for people and sending them out, making sure to get each one just right. It feels so good to brighten someone else’s day with some bits of paper that are glued together.

How do I move the motivation from one, onto the others? How do I find the drive to do what I have to do? How do I find balance?  How do I turn have to’s into want to’s?

How do I remind myself that all of this is a choice?

I could stop going to PHP, nothing is making me.

I could drop out of school for the semester, nothing is forcing me to stay.

This is a choice and therefore I also choose how much effort to put in.

I don’t know why I’m having such a hard time with motivation right now.  Leftover depression? Laziness? Lack of enjoyment?

But I’ll get out what I put in, and maybe it’s time to focus on how much control I have.

And maybe that’ll also take some of the pressure away and let me make a choice based on what I want to get out of PHP and out of school.

By sitting down some of the weight, some of the guilt, some of the shame, I make it easier to carry the load and focus on what I want to achieve. Why I want to follow through.

I can do hard things, and I don’t have to add the extra weight to them.

And I know I’ve got this, cause I’m pretty much a badass.

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