This is a Really Real Mental Health post.
Normally when I write, I have soft piano music playing through my headphones.
Today I have the computer blaring my “Top Songs of 2018” playlist. It’s not a soft piano music kind of day.
It’s a loud music with no headphones kinda day.
It’s a dance around my living room to bring myself down kinda day.
I’m even somewhat suicidal (but safe).
I have to make a decision and each option has it’s pros and cons.
And my brain’s answer to feeling cornered is to tell me it’s easier to just die.
Unfortunately, it’s not likely that my brain will ever stop reacting that way. All that can be changed is the severity of the thoughts. Right now they’re mild, but they are there.
I’m dealing with meds with shitty side effects, including empathy dulling, but those same meds keep me from wanting to die.
It at least stops the thoughts from getting a tight enough grip to kill me.
I’ve fought my ass off to get stability and I don’t fool myself that it’ll be easy.
But damn it, why does everything have to be this hard.
Being faced with a tough decision today was enough to take the entire day from me.
And yes, I’m vague-booking, because the specifics don’t matter.
The difference between stability and chaos is a few words. But I have enough coping mechanisms to bring myself back to center, sometimes.
Sometimes that coping mechanism is music blaring while I write. Drumming on my keyboard to the beats in the song. Wondering how long until neighbors get pissed (fuck em, I don’t know what empathy even is right now, yay for med side effects).
I just want peace, and I want to make a decision free from strings.
But there are strings.
And I can’t make a decision.
So today is a loud music kinda day.
And tomorrow I’ll really figure this out.