This is a Really Real, well, I’m not sure what it’ll turn out to be.
I just feel like writing tonight, but I haven’t quite decided what to write about.
This last week has been pretty incredible. Really, the last two weeks have, minus being bored at PHP for the last few days I was there. Boredom never killed anyone (or so I’ve been told), but PHP has yet again saved my life.
Or at least I feel like it has.
And it’s nice to be done with it, until the next time I need it. That’s not an if, that’s a when. I know this is part of my normal.
And I’m okay with that.
In the past two weeks I’ve had a date that went wonderfully (second date coming soon), I got invited to a Level 2 DBT group that started tonight, and I spent 5 days with some of my favorite people.
And I’ve been stable through all of it.
It’s strange how the simplest thing can overwhelm me and make me want to shut down. Tonight it was as simple as planning when we’re going to Renn Fest. Somehow the whole season went by and now it’s the last two weekends.
And I don’t want to miss it.
But the idea of scheduling a full day activity when it seems like we have something going on every day, was overwhelming. What happens if I go the last weekend and it’s too crowded, what happens if we go this weekend and I’m too overwhelmed to handle the rest of the things we have planned that day.
What happens if I miss it, how upset will I actually be?
What will be the next trigger that spirals me down into the abyss.
I think that’s why I’m so afraid of making plans and making decisions. It feels like the wrong decision, the wrong plan creating too much of a day, the wrong emotion, will be ‘the thing.’
I’m stable but I can tell there’s still a lot of stress that I’m holding onto. I’ve been clicking my teeth nearly all of the time. Rocking my jaw back and forth and tapping my top teeth against my bottom.
My jaw has been sore for weeks.
It may be the Abilify but my psych thinks it’s just a habit when I’m anxious.
Either way, it fucking sucks. And hurts.
I’ve written 400 words (404 now) and haven’t really said much of anything
and sometimes this is what stability looks like.
I guess this was a Really Real Mental Health post.