This is a Really Real Mental Health post.
CW: Suicidal Thoughts and talk of Suicide.
“I don’t feel like fighting this shit today.”
That’s the text I sent, from my bed, as I cancelled my plans to go to the gym. I had been in bed for too many hours to count, only getting up long enough to take the dog out and feed her.
And eat. Eating through emotions just reminds me that everyone was right, that surgery would have been detrimental.
I need a shower.
But my bed feels so inviting.
I can still see happiness just outside of my reach. I know it exists, I know I have a chance of getting back there.
That makes the suicidal thoughts not as scary.
But I’d still be quite content with a bullet through the head. I hear the gunshots in the back of my mind. I know it’s a wild, random thought. I know that it is better than something that’s within my reach.
There’s a reason I don’t want guns in my house.
I don’t feel like fighting this shit today. I don’t feel like being skillful or effective. I don’t feel like doing what works.
It feels like too much effort. It requires energy I just don’t have today.
So today I spend all day in my bed. Getting up to sit at the computer in the dark.
I don’t know where this came from. This sad anger that wants to explode out all around me.
I don’t know why I never release this storm on Wonder Woman. I’m thankful I don’t. I never want her to see that side of me.
I never want to make her feel like that.
I never want to be that person again.
So I push it down.
I still wonder where it came from.
And then I remember. I need to buy a cheesecake in the next few days.
Kidlet and I are going to eat cheesecake together over video chat.
For Parker, on her birthday.
The third birthday she’ll never get to celebrate.
A date I recited over and over again after she died. Everyone needed that identifying number.
A date I couldn’t remember for the first 3 years we were together.
A date I will never forget.
A date she took off of Facebook so I’d have to remember it myself.
The body has a way of reminding me when these dates are close. No matter how much I try to avoid the inevitable crash beforehand, it always catches me. The days before are always harder than the day of.
The day of, I can celebrate the life that was, the days before I just remember that the world goes on without her.
I wonder how many of the people around her still say her name. I wonder how many stories have been forgotten. I wonder how many people still keep her alive with jokes and tales of days past. I wonder how many people still remember her.
I wonder how many people she influenced. How many people still carry a bit of her in their lives and in their personalities. I wonder how many life changes her death put in motion.
I wonder how many pictures have been taken because she’s no longer here.
I don’t feel like fighting this shit today. And that’s okay.
Today I sit with it. Today I remember her. Today I mourn what was lost, what will never be.
Today I keep her alive through my tears and my anger and my sadness.
Tomorrow I keep her alive by fighting with everything I am.