This is a Really Real Trauma Post.
Lots of things have been taking me back lately.
A friend who recently lost her husband. Someone else who is facing homelessness and looking at their options. Spotify giving me a list of music from the last 10 years. Even raising a kitten takes me back to a time in my life before.
My life is split into before and after in so many ways. Not only did Parker die on that day in 2016, but the person I was died at the same time. It seems like my life has done a radical 180 since she died. No more traumas, no major crisis (except the internal, mental health kind), no more catastrophes.
It seems unfair that she missed this. But I’m not sure this would have happened if she hadn’t died. And it’s not like I can change any of it anyway.
But things have been taking me back.
I’ve been reliving the emotions, with some distance put between me and the pain. I can view yesterdays tragedies with today’s knowledge. At times I feel like I’m stuck in my history again, except I know I’ll make it out alive.
I smell smoke and feel like I’m running out of a house on fire.
A sleeping pet or person doesn’t react to a sound and I feel like I’m going to face death again.
I pay a bill late and remember the stress of shut off notices month after month, struggling to stay one step ahead of a dark house.
Earlier this month I went to a Christmas Party thrown by Healthcare for the Homeless. It was held in the same building as the homeless shelter. Lots of the residents attended. It was the same shelter I spent months in, however they’re in a new building now (which made it a bit easier).
I remember being there. I remember being that person.
So many things that are reminding me of where I’ve been.
What I’ve survived.
What I’ve overcome.
But feeling that fear again, deep into my bones, is one of the harder things about trauma. I never get to fully escape it I never get to lock it up and put it away.
It’s as much a part of me as widowhood is.