Unstable

This is a Really Real Mental Health Post.

I feel really unstable. One minute I’m searching for letters with a friends kid at a derby match and the next I’m throwing a gallon of milk down a flight of stairs because the bag ripped. The milk was followed by the bag of cat litter and ended with me throwing my phone across the stairwell.

And then I was making pizzas and gathering brightly colored paper for a craft project.

And then I was going to bed. And then deciding to take a walk because I can’t quiet my mind from the thoughts that want me to die. Or at least to bleed.

I’ve never been a cutter, where is this thought coming from.

And I feel alone. I know Wonder Woman has to take care of her own mental health but I feel alone and abandoned and it’s making the thoughts louder.

Maybe I broke her too. I was too much for Parker and it killed her and I’m being too much again.

And as glad as I am that she sets boundaries and takes space my brain twists it and turns it into something negative.

It makes me angry.

If she doesn’t want me then I don’t need her.

And I fight back against those thoughts like I fight back against the thoughts that say I need to die and the thoughts that want me to take the knife from beside my bed and see how it feels in my arm.

Maybe the blood would make the thoughts stop.

I wonder how close I am to another hospital stay. I wonder if I can hold it together this time. I wonder if I have any chance of keeping a job.

I wonder why it always comes back to this.

I wonder how long until the meds make me sleep.

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