This is a Really Real Widow Post.
I don’t dream about her that often anymore. To be honest, I never did have all that many dreams about her.
This one was about missing her. This one was about how long it’s been since I’ve talked to her. This one was about how impossible it is to get to her.
The details don’t really matter all that much, I guess. But I remember the moment in the dream where I realized “It’s been too long since I’ve sent her a message. It’s been too long since I’ve called her.”
It’s been too long.
I was afraid she’d be hurt by my distance. I was afraid she’d move on. I was afraid she’d forget me.
I’m afraid I’ll forget her.
I remember, in my dream, wanting to send her something in a video game we played.
In a video game where I left her a hidden message the night she died. A message that’s still there waiting for her to find it.
In a video game that played a part in her Eulogy.
I remember wanting to send her something.
Something that should have been instant. But instead the game said it would take days.
It would take days because it was hard to get to where she was.
It was hard to reach her.
I woke up and my chest hurt. I truly physically hurt. It was dark in the room and I could just barely make out Wonder Woman sleeping peacefully beside me. I wanted so badly to wake her, to ask her to hold me, to ask her to comfort me.
It’s still a very strange feeling to want my fiancee to comfort me over the memory of my dead wife.
I didn’t wake her then.
I laid there and contemplated getting up and starting my day. I was still thinking about it when I woke up a few hours later.
It was really hard to get moving this morning.
I told Wonder Woman about my dream. She held me for a moment before settling back in for more sleep.
It’s hours and hours later and I still feel that ache in my chest. The ache that was such a big part of the early days of widowhood. The ache that isn’t as constant and is never as intense. The ache that still catches me off guard sometimes.
It’s been too long since I’ve sent her a message.
It’s been too long since I’ve called her.
It’s been too long.
I miss her.