It’s Dark

This is a Really Real Mental Health Post.

It’s dark.

And not just the room I’m sitting in, the one only illuminated by the light of my screen.

It’s dark in my brain. Someone turned the lights out and I can’t see.

I just want to take something and go to sleep.

Disappear for a little while.

It hurts to hold myself upright in my computer chair.

I climb in bed, it’s safe there.

it’s warm there.

it’s dark there too.

I can’t tell if I fall asleep or just lay there in a mindless haze.

It’s raining, it’s cold, I can’t go for a walk.

I’m not sure that I would if I could.

It’s dark.

I just want to curl up on the floor where I don’t have to use the energy to hold myself up.

At least then I won’t be in my bed.

Is that really any better?

I wish I could find the reason for this. I wish I could find the switch and turn the lights back on. I wish the light from my screen didn’t hurt my eyes so much. I wish it wasn’t so uncomfortable in my own skin.

I wish I was me.

This isn’t me.

This is nothing, no one, no thing, no where. This is a lack of existence.

It’s dark.

It’s dark.

It’s so so very dark.