This is a Really Real Mental Health Post.
It’s been 2 weeks since I’ve written. Now granted, time is going super fast, so it feels like less than that, but it really has been 2 weeks. I wrote daily for a long time, I wrote at least twice a week for a long time. Now I’m lucky if I write every couple of weeks.
Part of it is Covid. Nothing exciting is happening in my life. It’s the same shit, different day, different week, different month.
But a bigger part of it is that I’m just stuck in this low grade, constant, depression.
I miss my roller coaster. The monotony of day to day life with mental illness was broken up by constantly changing levels of mania and depression.
Good news: we stopped the rapid cycling.
Bad news: we stopped the rapid cycling.
Mental health was an obstacle course before. Making it through this episode just long enough for the next one to kick in. It was exhausting, but it was interesting.
Now my mental health is a long marathon. Just keep functioning at some constant level, reserving energy for the long haul.
The benefit to the obstacle course was that the adrenaline, kept me going, The hypomania and the influx of serotonin that it brought, kept me going.
That said, I read the posts I made in years past and I know that it wasn’t all that comfortable riding the roller coaster either. The suicidal thoughts were worse (and more dangerous) during mixed episodes. The hypomania brought along poor decision making. The lows were so dark, so so dark.
But, this version of stability is its own type of difficult.
I mean, I should be thankful that I’m stable. The suicidal thoughts are fleeting. I’ve held a job for close to 6 months. I’m not constantly in crisis.
But I’m also depressed enough that I’m often doing the bare minimum. Just enough to get me through to the next day. I can’t seem to find the will or the energy to do more.
I have enough work available to easily pull 20-30 hours a week. Yet, some weeks I’m lucky if I do half that.
And it isn’t that I don’t want to. I sit here stuck. I want to work, I know what I want to work on, but I just can’t find the energy to actually do it.
And it’s not just work, so it’s not just that I’m avoiding that.
I have a list of cards to make for friends. The list was made in April and May. It’s July. I’m still only part way through this list.
Side note for those that requested cards, they will make it to you eventually, I promise.
I sit here, aimlessly scrolling facebook. I want to craft, I want to game, I want to do SOMETHING, but I can’t find the will or the energy to start.
This is hard. A different kind of hard than constant crisis.
I miss my roller coaster.