This is a Really Real Mental Health post.
Coursing through my blood.
Through every fiber of my being.
The whole day just snowballed against me. The littlest things setting me off.
Except, it was all internalized. Nothing was said other than a quick “I’m grumpy today.” But beyond that, the anger just stayed in my head.
Spinning round and round, like a tornado, finding more things to suck into the vortex. I just wanted to scream and lash out, but I also knew that wasn’t rational. I knew it wasn’t actually anything that was happening around me.
I was just angry.
The inside of my skull was so so loud. Scripting fights, scripting explosions, scripting a loss of control.
But I controlled it, kept it deep inside.
We got home and I climbed in bed.
I kept trying to think of DBT skills that would help, and I could feel them, just outside of my reach, just beyond my grasp.
I was afraid to get up and go for my book, because it felt like the anger would eat me alive. It felt like I would lose the battle to keep it all inside.
So I stayed in bed. Fuming at everything and nothing.
Finally I dosed off, powerful angry dreams haunting me in my sleep. I woke up a few hours later, Wonder Woman asking if I wanted to get up so that I could sleep that night.
I opted to get up long enough to take meds (mother fucker, they had to be put together again), take a few ativan and a meletonin, and go back to bed for the night.
I slept straight through.
Today I’m not so angry. Today I can look back from a place of calm and see what went wrong.
The Abilify is totally out of my system now, a few weeks after I stopped taking it. And for the first week or two, I was smoking medical marijuana. It did a great job at lowering my reactivity off of the medication, but then I realized it was making me eat the house. Which was the whole reason I went off of Abilify.
So I stopped that too.
And now I’m left wondering if this anger could become my new normal.
Anger makes people die.
Today I’m tired, melatonin and a higher than normal dose of ativan will do that.
I’m tired. But I’m not angry anymore.
Anger is the most likely to make me lash out. Anger pulls me apart. Anger feels like it’s going to split me at the seams.
Anger is wrong. Anger is the one emotion I wish I could stop feeling, forever.