This is a Really Real Mental Health post.

We spent today’s group talking about life altering decisions and how we came to that decision.

Of course I talked about my upcoming decision regarding the inpatient crisis unit.

I no longer feel like I have to make the decision for other people, and that took a huge weight off. I think there’s still a little of that there, but it’s no where near as strong.

And it doesn’t catch in my throat and make me cry anymore.

But I kind of feel like I’m ignoring a decision that just has to be made.

I can’t ignore it forever.

One day, soon, I’m going to get the call.

I have to know what to tell them.

I both think it would be easier and harder if I could schedule this for a later date.

Easier, because I won’t miss my 40th birthday, a birthday that feels very important to me.

Harder, because I would have this date looming over me, just like I do now for a few weeks, but instead it would be for months.

I hate that I even have to make this decision. I’m still super frustrated and angry about that.

This wasn’t how things were supposed to happen.

I went down there doing a good thing for a horrible man. A man that spent most of his life abusing me in one way or another.

I did what I felt was right.

And this is the thanks I get.

A good deed never goes unpunished.

As they say.

Today someone brought up “If you do what you’ve always done, you’ll get what you always get.”

Well, I’ve always used PHP and extra therapy to heal from traumas.

And I was working, adulting, living a full life. My suicidal thoughts were mostly quiet, and when they came up I could handle them.

And then a new trauma happened.

Do I heal from it the same way I’ve always done? The way that worked?

Or do I try something new?

Such a hard decision.

One I wish I didn’t have to make.