This is a Really Real Mental Health post.

I’m suffering from a lack of motivation today.

After putting it off for hours, I made myself go to the grocery store. It was hard to get dressed, hard to get out of the door.

But it was harder to make it through the store. So much stimuli.

So, so much.

I’ve just spent almost all of the past month on locked units. Where they keep things as calm and quiet as possible.

Stores aren’t calm or quiet.

So many different lights and colors and objects.

Lines are long and people are impatient.

But I did it.

And I came home completely exhausted. I yawned my way through group therapy that I didn’t really have the energy to attend.

It exhausted me more.

I left early because I couldn’t handle it anymore.

I was too worn out, too over stimulated.

And then I was staring at a sink full of dishes.

One at a time I worked my way through them.

I didn’t want to.

I didn’t have the energy to.

But I did. And I felt good when they were finished.

But I didn’t go for a walk. The idea of getting dressed again, and then going out in the cold, when I can barely keep my eyes open. Just seemed like too much.

Too much.

I may not be suicidal, but I’m still depressed.

Mildly depressed, but still depressed. Just enough that I feel like I’m walking through a fog, not quite enough that I feel like I’m trudging through quicksand.

It’s bearable, but I’ll be really happy if the new medication changes it over the coming weeks.

I guess we’ll see.

I started beating myself up for not walking. A suicidal thought flashed through my mind but I was able to put it down without engaging. It was quick, it was quiet, but it was there.

I have to start dinner soon, another thing I don’t have energy for, but I can’t afford to keep ordering out. It’s expensive and I haven’t cooked since I got home.

Cooking used to bring me joy, now it just feels like a chore.

I want my excitement back. My love of things. I don’t want everything to feel like work.

I don’t want to have to push myself to do the smallest tasks.

Even crafting takes pushing and prodding. I enjoy it once I get going, but getting started is

so

damn

hard.

It could be worse. I could feel nothing (I’ve been there). I could be suicidal (I’ve been there, too, way too recently).

I want to go back to work, but I’m not there yet. So Monday I start PHP again.

It feels so far away, an entire week to find things to occupy my time.

But the smallest things still exhaust me, maybe it’s good that I get a quiet week without constant demands.

Thank you all for listening. I appreciate the support.