Day 3

This is a Really Real Mental Health post.

I’m definitely depressed.

I slept till 11, and went down for a 2 hour nap at 3.

When I was in the hospital, they lowered the antidepressant I’ve been on for a few years, and started me on a new one, with plans to completely switch over the coming month or so.

Unfortunately, the effects of the old antidepressant are already diminishing, while it will take weeks for the new antidepressant to take over.

At least I know why I’m sinking.

And at least I’m not suicidal.

I desperately need a shower. The idea of cooking tonight seems daunting. And I knew if I went for a walk, I wouldn’t do the other two things because I’m just out of energy.

And spoons.

Stupid depression.

But at least I understand the underlying reasoning for it.

I’m sure the election isn’t helping. I’m taking a head in the sand approach to it. My anxiety won’t change the outcome. I did what I could do.

Mostly it’s working.

Tomorrow is Parker’s birthday. Typically, the week leading up to it is the hardest, with the actual day being calm and serene.

This year that familiar dread isn’t there. Of course I know what day it is. Of course it’s sad that she’s not here to celebrate.

But I’m much more used to the Parker shaped hole in my heart. The edges have smoothed and I rarely trip over them anymore.

That in itself makes me feel sad. I always tell people, grief is all of the love you won’t get to continue giving to your lost loved one.

Does grieving less mean I’m running out of love for her?

Of course not, but I still have pangs of guilt.

Tomorrow, hopefully, Kidlet and I will meet up on video chat and eat our slices of cheesecake in remembrance of her.

If he has time.

If not, I’ll eat my own slice and spend a few moments in quiet reflection.

I miss her. Even though the grief isn’t as raw as it once was, she’s still a part of my heart.

And I’m sure in its own way the grief is playing a part in my depression right now.

I still only feel like I’m going through fog, and not through quicksand, but the fog is getting thicker.

Blah.

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