This is a Really Real Mental Health post.

I’m not suicidal.

I’m ridiculously depressed.

But I’m not suicidal.

Normally they come together. And I’ve had the passing thoughts, but they are quiet and go away quickly.

My new tools help them pass along.

But I’m depressed.

I’ve been telling myself I have to take a shower for a few days now.

Really, just take a shower.

But the fog is getting deeper.

I walked yesterday. Sent her a message in the middle of the day saying “I’m dressed and I think I can make myself get out of the house if we go right now.”

So we walked.

This morning I woke up early after a weird dream about getting my father on antidepressants.

I went out for a bit and had breakfast with a friend.

I came home and went right back to bed. Hours later I still didn’t want to get up, but I couldn’t sleep anymore.

Now I’m just staring at facebook. Seeing the same posts over and over again because I’ve been looking for so long.

This will take time to lift. Changing medications is hard and they made so many changes while I was in there.

I’m hungry, and I can’t tell if I’m hungry because I’m actually hungry, or if I’m hungry because I’m depressed.

I still have hope that this will get better. It will. I’m not filled with dread over the thought of this continuing. It’s just a passing phase and it will get better.

I start PHP on monday and that’ll help.

I have therapy tomorrow and that’ll help.

But this isn’t a quick fix. Antidepressants take weeks to kick in.

I’m on so many pills right now. Between medical meds and mental health meds and vitamins.

So many pills.

But, they keep me alive.

And I’m glad to be alive.