Day 12

This is a Really Real Mental Health post.

Things are so up and down with this lingering depression.

Today, I took a shower, I worked on weeding a complicated crafting project, I plan to do dishes and cook dinner later.

But I slept far too much and I rescheduled a doctors appointment that would have had me leaving the house.

Baby steps. Forward movement is still forward movement no matter how small.

Last night when I went to bed I was having horrible flashbacks of the last week of my dads life immediately followed by the gunshot and seeing the aftermath. It just kept playing on repeat.

I almost got up.

But then I remembered one of the new skills I learned on the trauma unit.

Containment.

Mentally putting the thoughts in a container and filing it away to deal with later, like in therapy.

I grabbed my mental cardboard box, put the thoughts inside, taped it up and put it on a shelf in a closet and shut the door.

The thoughts quieted for awhile.

They came back and I did it again.

And again.

And again.

With a longer break between each recurrence.

Eventually I dozed off with a peaceful mind.

I’m glad I’m getting a chance to practice this skill, and learn to trust it, before I’m using it with intrusive suicidal thoughts.

I had weird complicated dreams last night. In the dream I couldn’t quite speak full words even though I knew what I wanted to say.

I was struggling to get the words out.

I fought and fought to make myself heard. Pushing against vocal cords that didn’t want to cooperate.

Wonder Woman said I was talking in my sleep and that it was gibberish.

Heh.

It was also the first dream where I was wearing a mask. It’s funny that masks are showing up there now.

Today I decided to go down to 3 days a week at PHP. I feel like even that program is more than I need right now, but I’m not ready to go back to work, and it gives me something to do during the day.

Still fighting to get through the depression, but it isn’t as much of a fight as it once was.

One step at a time.

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