It doesn’t matter when

This is a Really Real Mental Health post.

I’m normally pretty good about brushing my teeth.

I may go days without brushing my hair,

showering is often a battle of wills with myself. (I eventually win.)

But normally, I would wake up in the morning and brush my teeth immediately.

But lately that’s been hard.

I’m sleeping so so much.

When I finally wake up I feel like I just have to jump into my day.

I barely stop to make coffee sometimes.

Feeling like I don’t quite deserve it because I slept so much.

Self care is just,

weird,

when you’re sleeping 12-16 hours a day.

But I just finished dinner, and my teeth felt,

gross,

and I went and brushed my teeth.

And it dawned on me.

I’ve always had this attitude of,

if I didn’t do something at the

specified time,

then it had to wait till the next

specified time.

If I don’t brush my teeth when I get up.

I’ll have to brush my teeth when I get up tomorrow.

(We won’t talk about night time brushing, just pretend that’s not a thing for now, okay?)

But the reality is.

If I don’t brush my teeth when I get up,

I can brush my teeth the next time I think about it.

And that’s okay.

And it feels really weird to have to tell myself that’s okay.

I mean, it feels completely socially unacceptable to admit that I don’t brush my teeth every morning and night.

But the fact is, I don’t.

And honestly, I’m willing to bet that quite a few of my friends who have chronic illnesses of any type, don’t either.

And probably a few of my friends without chronic illnesses.

And sometimes it feels gross, and that’s what reminds me I didn’t brush my teeth.

And then I’m like “fuck, I’ll have to remember tomorrow morning.”

But no, I’m remembering RIGHT NOW, so just do it.

Or don’t.

It’s okay.

I’ve started being more gentle with myself.

I wake up and can’t move to get out of bed, and based on a meme/article/post I saw, instead of yelling at myself for not getting up.

I ask why not?

And when?

And I remind myself that it’s okay to be exhausted.

It’s okay to listen to my body.

I’ve found that when I really really have to do something, I can.

But I pay for it eventually.

Early next month, my sister, Kidlet, Wonder Woman and I are all heading to my dad’s house to take one final look before the estate sale and selling the house.

It means 20ish hours of driving each way for Wonder Woman and I.

It means 3 days of being “on” while taking care of stuff, and working through some of my own trauma demons at the house.

It means I get to see my kid (it’s been almost 2 years) and my sister.

And I’m excited.

But I’m also nervous.

I’m so so tired.

And what if I can’t stay awake to do what needs to be done over those few days.

What if I can?

What does that mean about these times that I haven’t been able to stay awake?

It’s this balancing act between pushing myself but not shaming myself.

I feel like such a lazy loser for sleeping this much.

Where did I get that message?

Why am I beating myself up with it?

It’s okay if I brush my teeth in the middle of the day because I notice it.

It’s okay if I stay awake when I can and sleep when I can’t.

It’s okay to be me.

It’s okay.

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