This is a Really Real Widow Post.

I’ve been dreaming a lot since my dad died.

Part of it is trauma, but also, one of my medications has a side effect of vivid dreams.

I remember a lot of dreams now.

Last night I had one that I kept waking up from, and then falling back to sleep into the same dream.

Over and over again.

Kidlet was still little, probably 10 or so.

Parker was there.

We didn’t really fight, but something happened and we decided it was best if we broke up.

The emptiness consumed me.

It woke me up,

and it was still there as I lay awake.

And it was waiting for me when I dozed back off.

This was a hard one.

Normally, when I dream about my dad or Parker, even within the dream I’m able to recognize that they are dead, and this is unreasonable.

But this time I didn’t.

She was still there, but was so far away.

I craved her comfort, but it wasn’t available.

It wasn’t a violent breakup, it was understood from both sides.

At one point, we were laying in bed together, talking, and I just wanted her to hold me,

I’m not sure if I asked,

but she didn’t.

She was there, but too far away.

We were both sad that it didn’t work out.

I think that made it harder.

The more I write about this, the more I see it was a grief dream.

It’s still hard to have that kind of grief.

I feel like I’m betraying the life I have now.

The love I have now.

Mostly,

being a widow is just there.

It’s far easier now than it was 4.5 years ago when she died.

It’s just another piece of the story that makes up my life.

But sometimes it comes to the forefront.

I feel tears just under the surface.

I miss her unbelievably much.

I miss that life.

Even though I don’t want to go back.

Seeing her right there,

just out of reach.

The pain is so real, and raw.

It feels so new.

Like it was awoken from within me.

Today,

being a widow,

is hard.