Work in Progress

This is a Really Real Mental Health post.

This is a Really Real Health post.

TW: Mention of weight, exercise, and food choices, but in a body accepting way.

I haven’t written a long post in a couple of weeks.

Short posts detailing my current day to day stuff have been ongoing.

It’s a different way of communicating.

But less cathartic.

When I’m doing well I don’t feel the need to write the long, soul spilling posts that have become such a coping tool for me.

And I am doing well.

I’m slowly figuring out what is mood and mental health related, and what is habit learned by months and months of being depressed.

I’m working on not judging myself for either.

A couple of weeks ago I got on a scale to see if I was above the weight limit for something.

It’s frustrating that many things aren’t built for someone my size.

But, the truth is, I am bigger than many things allow for, and I’m accepting that it isn’t my fault.

I am allowed to exist as I am, and it’s sad that there are things that won’t accommodate me.

I’ve started speaking up. Letting professional offices, especially those in medical settings, know that they should consider having some seating without arms, seating that will accommodate all body types.

But anyway,

I got on the scale again recently, and realized that even with making conscious food choices, and moving intentionally, I haven’t lost any weight.

And honestly, I felt okay with that.

I’m moving around easier, I’m enjoying the things my body can do for me.

I’m working on stretching and strengthening the muscles and joints that help me get from place to place. I’m working on gaining more mobility,

more stamina.

Some days I’m still sleeping more than I would like.

My mood seems a bit better, and I’m more productive on the days that I sleep less,

but I can’t always get myself out of bed in the morning,

even when I go to sleep early.

And that’s okay.

I’m a constant work in progress.

Pushing myself gently to do a little more than I think I can.

But loving myself either way.

And when I can’t love myself as I am,

I accept myself as I am.

I remind myself of all of the things I have survived and overcome.

I remember that my body does amazing things for me.

Movement helps with that.

Especially yoga,

it helps me get in touch with my body and my mind.

It helps me push just a little bit further.

Also, the videos I’m following remind me that it’s okay to modify things in ways that fit my body and my ability that day.

They remind me that it’s okay to need props and items that help.

They remind me that every body is different,

every body has different abilities.

And that every body takes up space.

At the end,

in my Savasana pose,

they remind me to take up as much space as I want.

To open my body and feel comfortable, instead of shrinking myself.

It pertains to mental health as well.

So often we try to shrink our emotions and our symptoms.

We try to fit into a box created by the world.

Right now I’m feeling that I’m not disabled,

but that I’m differently abled.

Not everyone can open up and share their struggles the way I do.

Not everyone can see their vulnerability as a strength.

Not everyone can change lives by speaking their truth.

Well, that isn’t quite true.

Everyone will change lives if they speak their truth.

But speaking our truth is hard.

Accepting our truth is hard.

Accepting ourselves is hard.

Accepting myself is hard.

But I’m doing it.

And lately,

more than accepting me as I am

I’m loving me,

for who I am,

and for what I have to offer.

It may not be the type of productivity that this capitalistic world sees as valuable.

But I’m learning,

because of those around me,

that value isn’t just monetary.

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