This is a Really Real Mental Health Post.

TW: Mention of exercise, body image, suicidal thoughts, fitness.

Brains are assholes.

My brain is one of those brains that constantly moves from one thought into the next, constantly creating connections between all of the different thought trains.

It’s one of the reasons that I am so insightful about my mental health,

I’m always looking for the connection.

But, it’s not always a good thing.

Overthinking isn’t a great trait.

Especially when it’s mixed with depression and negative self talk.

My thoughts move relatively fast, and they are

always

always

going.

Mindfulness helps,

and I’ve learned to catch it when its going down the wrong path and redirect instead of spiraling,

and I don’t always get sucked along with the trains, they slide by behind the scenes more often than not anymore.

But this particular train has changed and morphed and while I realize it’s completely illogical, the way it got to where it is now, makes perfect sense.

“I need to get more active again.”

“I was doing so well, and I stopped.”

“I remember telling myself I’d never get back to where I am now, and I’m definitely back here”

“I always end up back here.”

“I can’t follow through with anything.”

“I’m never going to get it right.”

“I need to just die.”

At that point the alarm bells go off and I realize what train I grabbed onto and I let it float away instead of spiraling with it.

But over the last couple of weeks, the thought process got shorter.

“I should do yoga this morning.”

“I can’t follow through with anything.”

“I need to just die.”

Nope, not the answer, lets go somewhere else brain.

But it keeps getting shorter.

Now the thought process is . .

“Yoga? ::Gunshot sound::”

And then I have to get off that train, which means I stop thinking about yoga, because yoga makes me think of shooting myself.

But it’s not actually yoga (or intentional movement) that’s making me think of suicide.

It’s the hopelessness, and the shame, and the overwhelm with the shape I’m in now.

But my brain doesn’t take to time to go through the whole process anymore.

“Walk around the block? ::Gunshot sound::”

I’ve spent the last couple of years training myself to let go of suicidal thoughts.

Since my last hospitalization, I’ve gotten pretty good at it.

When that thought crosses my mind (it happens more often than most people would be comfortable with), I’m able to redirect, mostly without thinking about it.

It’s just habit now.

But because intentional movement and suicide are paired right now, I’m also immediately redirecting from that concept.

Which means multiple times a day I’m thinking I’d like to do something active, but before I can put that thought into action I’m running from the suicidal thought that’s paired with it.

So today I spent part of therapy going “how do I fix this?”

And the current plan is to make the distraction process more intentional again, so that I can actively start separating those thoughts.

So

“Gym? ::Gunshot sound:: Um, no, how about we go to the gym first?”

It’s going to take time, but I’ll get there.

One thought at a time.