Really Real Blog

This is a Really Real Mental Health post.

I haven’t written in awhile.

Not like this.

Short posts and one liners on facebook.

The occasional paragraph here and there.

But I haven’t written a really real post in awhile.

I’ve been okay,

but it’s that place where since I’m doing better than I was,

I’m looking at all of the ways I should be doing better than I am.

Every small step backwards feels like a failure.

And time is slipping away from me.

It feels like just yesterday I set up an appointment for the first week of August and it was so far away.

Now August starts in a few days.

I’m still having a really hard time leaving the house.

I spent today saying I was going to go to the grocery store,

and I also had a dinner to go to tonight.

Instead of going shopping I slept,

partially avoiding the store,

partially avoiding the anxiety over a social gathering.

I made it to the dinner,

and I went grocery shopping after,

but I know it will be harder to sleep tonight.

And I’ve worked hard to get my sleep to a reasonable place.

But,

I’m sitting here now with the lights dimmed throughout the house,

and a blue light filter on my computer screen.

Writing to get things out of my brain and onto the screen.

Hopefully I’ll still be able to sleep at a reasonable time.

I’m starting to spend too much time mindlessly scrolling facebook.

It’s either a sign of impending depression,

or it’s a cause of depression.

Maybe a mix of both.

I’m applying for jobs and I’m not hearing back.

I’ve thought of applying at Starbucks,

but I can’t work mornings,

and I can’t be on my feet that long,

and what if I’m too big for people to fit around me behind the counter.

Anxiety is a fucking asshole,

really.

Part of my sleep plan has been listening to sleep meditation at night,

I found my way to Yoga Nidra recordings.

It’s now my favorite way to fall asleep.

Part of Yoga Nidra is a type of positive affirmation.

A short, one line, present tense statement that begins, “I am _____.”

Mine has been, “I am worthy.”

I asked about starting a Patreon and had people respond that they would support me.

But I’m afraid to actually finish the last steps of setting it up and share the link.

I’ve had many people (especially in the last week) talk to me about starting an Etsy.

But I don’t feel like people will pay what I’d need to charge.

I keep trying to remind myself,

I am worthy.

Even applying for work,

I feel like I have too many disabilities, too many things that make me different,

too many things that get in the way of me being a cog in the machine.

Gear shaped me is missing too many teeth,

and many of the ones that are left are misshapen.

They stick out too far,

Or they’re a bit too wide,

Or bent,

Or there is that one, that has a crack that looks like a lightening bolt.

Sometimes it gets jammed.

Where do I fit in this world?

I am worthy.

But, I can sit here and make cards and spread love all day.

And it doesn’t pay the bills.

No matter how many people tell me I should start an Etsy,

playing with paper and paste won’t give me the life I want to live.

But it’s still important to me that I find a way to use my life to help others.

My strength is using my vulnerability to help people find their way.

Their own strengths.

But, that doesn’t pay the bills either.

At least not now.

I feel stuck.

I know what I want.

I know what I’d like my life to look like on the other side.

But I don’t know what steps I need to take to make it there.

I don’t know what path to take.

I don’t even see paths to choose from.

I know I need to create my own path.

I’ve always gone the wrong way around the coffee table.

But sometimes creating a new path through dense vegetation is a lot of fucking work.