This is a Really Real Mental Health Post.
(Trigger warning: Talk of suicidal thoughts)
Today was a no good, horrible, very bad day.
When the proverbial first punch caught me off guard, I reeled. It took my mood down a few notches while I stood there almost helplessly.
I wanted to lash out. I wanted to overreact. I wanted to throw a temper tantrum.
But I wasn’t helpless. I vented, I spent some time cuddling with Wonder Woman, I reminded myself that there were other options. I started taking proactive steps towards a better solution.
I was proud of myself because I didn’t get sucked under.
And I was still wobbly when the second punch caught me.
It wasn’t fair. It wasn’t my fault. No one would listen.
I still have to pay for it.
It sent me sprawling across my bed.
The thoughts crept in, slowly at first, with very little power.
A plan formed.
I clung to my bed while letting the thoughts wind their way through my brain.
I kept reminding myself, “life is still good.” While my brain screamed back “it always comes back to this.”
I told myself “this will pass.” Meanwhile I heard the telltale gunshots going off in the back of my head.
I drifted to sleep while at war.
I woke up and it was still so dark, but I saw a patch of light somewhere off in the distance. I crawled my way out of bed. Tried to find the good. Kept looking for something to make that patch a bit bigger. I wanted to rip the darkness wide open.
I distracted myself.
I fed myself.
I let the thoughts pass through quietly.
I took their power away.
Silly thoughts, I’m just frustrated.
Silly thoughts, I’m just overwhelmed.
I’m glad I’m in a place where I have a fighting chance. It’s a war that will never go away. The thoughts will always be there, waiting to strike.
You won’t win today.