Pieces

This is a Really Real Mental Health Post.

Also a Really Real Writing Post.

I pride myself on being open and vulnerable.

I share so much of myself, so much of who I am and what I think, here, with fingers to keys.

But the words on your screen are carefully chosen.  Each letter has been read and reread, thought and overthought, edited and clarified.

While you are seeing the real truth, straight from my heart, and soul, and mind, you are also seeing something that I have worried about, and sometimes agonized over, before hitting send.

Is this clear enough?

Will it be received in the way it is being sent?

Can my words be twisted into meanings that I don’t intend?

I often plan out the written pieces in my head before putting fingers to keys.  Then after writing I spend time reading them in various voices, the voices of my friends and loved ones, and attempting to predict your reactions to the words on the screen.

Will I be understood?

Often it’s this playacting in my head that keeps me from writing about certain topics or certain people.  My intention is never to cause harm to a person or relationship.

I want to help people, including myself, through the words I put on the screen.

I write about hard subjects and difficult topics.  Sometimes scary, sometimes sad.  I don’t want to cause undue stress because a comma could have been better placed or a different word could have been chosen.

I may not ever be concise in my wording; I will always use ten words where two would have done, but I always try to be clear.

However, each of you will take what you need from what I have to say.  Each of you will find your own lessons in my words.  Each of you will form your own relationship with the letters I have put on the screen, just as I have.

These words are so much more than individual letters,

they are pieces of me.

April 2, 2019 Question of the Day

What would your ideal room look like?

Pick any room you like, bedroom, living room, kitchen, craft room, etc. and describe it.

My ideal living room would be a large room with waist high shelving of varying types.  Book shelves, cube shelves and some larger shelving areas.  On top of the shelves would be cushions and blankets for cozy areas to relax and read or watch TV and game.

One whole wall would be windows with the other walls open for family pictures and various posters, artwork, craft projects, etc. to be hung.

There would be computer space with an attached crafting space for me (a large L shaped area) and then a TV space with all of the various gaming systems for Wonder Woman.  All in close enough proximity to each other that we were still spending time together while having enough room for our own projects.  Siah (the Yorkie with no chill) would have her own little chill out area with her dog bed and blankets tucked away in a little nook between us.

What would your ideal room look like?

Just Wanna Write!

This is a Really Real Mental Health Post.

I’ve felt the urge to write all day, but haven’t been able to come up with a topic.  Part of the problem is that I have a few floating around in my head, but they involve other people, and I don’t really want to write about other people in a public space.

I guess that isn’t quite true.  I write about other people all of the time.  In positive ways.  I  don’t want to write negative things about other people.  They either aren’t going to be able to defend themselves, or they’ll read it and it’ll start a shit storm, or someone else will read it and it’ll get back to them.  It’s just bad news all around.

I can write enough negative things about myself to last a lifetime.

But the only topics floating around in my head today involve situations and such that revolve around other people and it’s hard to get past that sort of writers block.

And I just wanna write!

Wonder Woman cooked us dinner tonight.  It. Was. Amazing!  I cook dinner 99.9% of the time (which I love doing) but this was a nice change.  I told her it was good enough that she needed to take over cooking dinner from now on.

I only got 5 hours of sleep last night, and then a few super short power naps today.  I’m still dealing with this mixed mood.  (In case you couldn’t tell from the way I’m jumping all over the place).

I was having a discussion earlier with Wonder Woman about the fact that this time around it is an entirely different experience.  Of course I’m riding the bipolar coaster, but I’m also able to see the big picture.  I’m in it, but not in it at the same time.  I’m not my moods, I’m not this mood episode, I’m not even entirely my reactions, but I do have control over my actions and reactions.  I’m able to monitor my moods and react accordingly.  I’m not feeding into the mania or depression.  It’s amazing to see the DBT skills at work in this situation, the same sort of episode that put me into crisis so many years in a row.  Being on medication that works well is helping too, but these skills are a game changer.

I feel like this should be a curriculum that’s taught to everyone in middle school instead of something that costs entirely too much money to access.  I only have 6 weeks left and I know I’m going to miss having the group every week.

I’m looking into a NAMI support group to fill the hole that’ll be left in my calendar.

Is that how this works?

This is a Really Real Community Post.

I’m completely new to WordPress in reality.  I’ve been writing here for going on a year (and brought over facebook posts from well before that) but I have no idea how this platform actually worked.

I was just using it to compose and edit my thoughts which I published and then copied to my public and private facebook pages.

Now I’m seeing there’s a really large community here, and I’m learning how to get involved.  I feel like such a beginner, still trying out my tricycle, not even moving up to a bicycle with training wheels yet.  I’m browsing through the reader and looking at different tags and trying to figure out where I belong.

But social anxiety is a thing even through the comment section.

I can see this being a wonderful community to belong to as long as I can keep all those fears at bay.

For quite some time I’ve felt like my words, in this space, were falling into the abyss.  I wanted to reach out to more, and I wasn’t sure how.  Showing people what it’s like from inside my head has always been important to me.

Sharing my story and speaking my truth has been my goal since Parker died.  Squash the stigma.

It’s hard to get rid of stigma when no one sees the words you write.

But at least it’s acted like a journal, giving me space to release the pent up words that needed a place to go.

To those who have followed me in the last day or two, welcome!  I look forward to sharing my story with you, and I look forward to hearing yours.