This is a Really Real Mental Health Post.
I’m not suicidal.
I haven’t left the house since Friday.
I’ve been stuck in my own head.
Yesterday was DBT and
. . .just
. . . couldn’t
. . . quite
make it out the door.
. . .
Who am I kidding?
. . .
I couldn’t even change out of the clothes I’ve been wearing for 4 days straight.
. . .
I’ve cleaned the entire house.
I’ve cooked meals.
I’ve crafted and created and even sold things.
Everything within my safe little bubble.
I’m stuck in my own head.
Who am I?
I don’t want to face the world when I can’t even figure out what the world should see when it looks at my face.
I can’t figure out how the world should know me.
I can’t figure out how important it all is anyway.
And I can’t figure out if I want to share that part of my story because I don’t know if I even want it to be a part of my story.
If I ignore it will it just go away?
If I speak it will it become more real?
There’s a lot going on up there in my head right now.
I’ve let myself run out of one of my medications because I need to leave the house to get it.
My body is revolting against me. It doesn’t help that I ate the ever forbidden potatoes. I know better. I know they cause inflammation and inflammation is my worst enemy. HS (Hidradenitis Suppurativa) can go straight to hell and right now it’s taking me with it.
My brain hurts.
My body hurts.
And I’m not suicidal (but that won’t last unless I get my mood stabilizer back on board).
There have been a few random passing thoughts.
“If you were dead, this wouldn’t matter.”
But they are easily brushed aside.
Right now I’m stuck in my head and I’m stuck in a very ouchy body and this body and this brain are trapped inside of the house, because there are far too many steps between these 4 day old clothes and making it out that front door.
And it’s easy to say, I’m not suicidal, so I must be fine.
Because when “suicidal or not” is your measuring stick, almost anything looks good enough.
But this isn’t good enough.
Not even a little.
But digging myself out of my own brain, when every move hurts and my body wants to explode, is a very slow and painful process.
And every process starts with the first step.
I guess I should take the meds I never took this morning.
How is it already 7pm?
How is it already Tuesday?
But I’m not suicidal.