This is a Really Real Mental Health post.
This is a Really Real Health post.
TW: Mention of weight, exercise, and food choices, but in a body accepting way.
I haven’t written a long post in a couple of weeks.
Short posts detailing my current day to day stuff have been ongoing.
It’s a different way of communicating.
But less cathartic.
When I’m doing well I don’t feel the need to write the long, soul spilling posts that have become such a coping tool for me.
And I am doing well.
I’m slowly figuring out what is mood and mental health related, and what is habit learned by months and months of being depressed.
I’m working on not judging myself for either.
A couple of weeks ago I got on a scale to see if I was above the weight limit for something.
It’s frustrating that many things aren’t built for someone my size.
But, the truth is, I am bigger than many things allow for, and I’m accepting that it isn’t my fault.
I am allowed to exist as I am, and it’s sad that there are things that won’t accommodate me.
I’ve started speaking up. Letting professional offices, especially those in medical settings, know that they should consider having some seating without arms, seating that will accommodate all body types.
But anyway,
I got on the scale again recently, and realized that even with making conscious food choices, and moving intentionally, I haven’t lost any weight.
And honestly, I felt okay with that.
I’m moving around easier, I’m enjoying the things my body can do for me.
I’m working on stretching and strengthening the muscles and joints that help me get from place to place. I’m working on gaining more mobility,
more stamina.
Some days I’m still sleeping more than I would like.
My mood seems a bit better, and I’m more productive on the days that I sleep less,
but I can’t always get myself out of bed in the morning,
even when I go to sleep early.
And that’s okay.
I’m a constant work in progress.
Pushing myself gently to do a little more than I think I can.
But loving myself either way.
And when I can’t love myself as I am,
I accept myself as I am.
I remind myself of all of the things I have survived and overcome.
I remember that my body does amazing things for me.
Movement helps with that.
Especially yoga,
it helps me get in touch with my body and my mind.
It helps me push just a little bit further.
Also, the videos I’m following remind me that it’s okay to modify things in ways that fit my body and my ability that day.
They remind me that it’s okay to need props and items that help.
They remind me that every body is different,
every body has different abilities.
And that every body takes up space.
At the end,
in my Savasana pose,
they remind me to take up as much space as I want.
To open my body and feel comfortable, instead of shrinking myself.
It pertains to mental health as well.
So often we try to shrink our emotions and our symptoms.
We try to fit into a box created by the world.
Right now I’m feeling that I’m not disabled,
but that I’m differently abled.
Not everyone can open up and share their struggles the way I do.
Not everyone can see their vulnerability as a strength.
Not everyone can change lives by speaking their truth.
Well, that isn’t quite true.
Everyone will change lives if they speak their truth.
But speaking our truth is hard.
Accepting our truth is hard.
Accepting ourselves is hard.
Accepting myself is hard.
But I’m doing it.
And lately,
more than accepting me as I am
I’m loving me,
for who I am,
and for what I have to offer.
It may not be the type of productivity that this capitalistic world sees as valuable.
But I’m learning,
because of those around me,
that value isn’t just monetary.
Trauma
It catches you off guard
This is a Really Real Widow Post.
I’ve been dreaming a lot since my dad died.
Part of it is trauma, but also, one of my medications has a side effect of vivid dreams.
I remember a lot of dreams now.
Last night I had one that I kept waking up from, and then falling back to sleep into the same dream.
Over and over again.
Kidlet was still little, probably 10 or so.
Parker was there.
We didn’t really fight, but something happened and we decided it was best if we broke up.
The emptiness consumed me.
It woke me up,
and it was still there as I lay awake.
And it was waiting for me when I dozed back off.
This was a hard one.
Normally, when I dream about my dad or Parker, even within the dream I’m able to recognize that they are dead, and this is unreasonable.
But this time I didn’t.
She was still there, but was so far away.
I craved her comfort, but it wasn’t available.
It wasn’t a violent breakup, it was understood from both sides.
At one point, we were laying in bed together, talking, and I just wanted her to hold me,
I’m not sure if I asked,
but she didn’t.
She was there, but too far away.
We were both sad that it didn’t work out.
I think that made it harder.
The more I write about this, the more I see it was a grief dream.
It’s still hard to have that kind of grief.
I feel like I’m betraying the life I have now.
The love I have now.
Mostly,
being a widow is just there.
It’s far easier now than it was 4.5 years ago when she died.
It’s just another piece of the story that makes up my life.
But sometimes it comes to the forefront.
I feel tears just under the surface.
I miss her unbelievably much.
I miss that life.
Even though I don’t want to go back.
Seeing her right there,
just out of reach.
The pain is so real, and raw.
It feels so new.
Like it was awoken from within me.
Today,
being a widow,
is hard.
Don’t try this at home.
This is a Really Real Mental Health post.
I did something that I always tell others not to do.
You see, when I was in the trauma unit, they started titrating me off of a medication.
They said I shouldn’t be on it with the diagnoses that I had.
They said it was a bad idea.
They sent me home with instructions to continue titrating off of it with my pdoc.
So my first appointment I asked her if we could lower it.
And my second.
And my third.
And,
you get the picture.
She sees the drug reps from this particular medication, once a month.
I wonder if that has something to do with it.
So last week I stopped taking it.
I was already on a pretty low dose, and I was tired of asking her to follow the instructions that were given to me.
That were given to her in the paperwork that was sent over.
So I stopped.
Two days ago I cleaned up the landings outside of our apartment.
Gathered the empty boxes and rearranged what was left.
Put things back on shelves and in the basement where it belonged.
Things that we just didn’t feel like lugging down the stairs at the time.
It had gotten unmanageable.
The perilously balanced ecosystem tumbling down whenever we needed a roll of toilet paper.
It didn’t take me long.
Yesterday I cleaned the spare room.
The spare room that’s been used as a makeshift office since this all began.
It hadn’t been cleaned in all of that time.
Trash had built up on the floor.
Random bits and pieces of discarded
things
that had never been put back in their place.
It was a disaster.
I’ve been looking at it for months and saying I’d get to it,
one day.
And yesterday I cleaned it.
It didn’t take me long.
Today I folded my clothes.
Clothes that had been living in baskets since this all began.
I put them away.
I threw away things that were stained or otherwise unwearable.
There’s a semblance of organization, even though I can’t use my drawers and such in the spare room.
I can find things again.
I uncovered shirts that I’ve been looking for, for months.
It didn’t take me long.
Today I washed the mat that sits under my dish rack.
The one that was covered with grime and gross
things
that grow in standing water.
I scrubbed it and bleached it and left it to dry.
I organized the spices that had been spilling over onto the stove.
Random bottles of exciting things that no longer had a place.
Wonder Woman helped by putting up the spice racks I had bought.
The ones that had been sitting in the box since they were delivered,
months and months ago.
I could see my stove again.
The stove that was covered in grease and bits of random food that had fallen down into the burners.
The stove that I wouldn’t even touch with my sponge because it was too dirty.
Soapy paper towels,
more and more,
until it was white again.
A magic eraser took care of the baked on stuff that had been left, burned into the enamel.
It didn’t take me long.
I’ve felt this blanket of depression sitting on me for months and months.
No matter how good I felt I still felt
off.
The medication was supposed to be helping with my depression.
But the trauma unit didn’t feel that it was.
I’ve wondered for quite some time.
I feel much better.
Even though I’m still sleeping most of the day away.
I feel like I can accomplish things again.
I feel more like me.
It has taken too long.
Flashback
This is a Really Real Mental Health post.
TW: Gunshot, completed suicide, some gore, violence on TV.
This is one of my longer ones.
I’ve been having horrible flashbacks the last few days.
Remembering the moments and hours and days after he died.
Remembering that first post I wrote.
Gunshots are less of a bang and more of a pop.
And the thing is, that sound is so loud that it sucks the rest of the sound out of the air.
Like a vacuum.
Emptiness where the everyday sounds of life were existing a split second before.
That pop is no longer so loud in my head, but the silence afterwards is there.
I remember the police swabbing my hands.
Just a formality, the calm, gentle woman in front of me had said.
I’m remembering the next day,
my sister scrubbing brain matter and blood out of the carpet.
The carpet cleaner bringing in a jug of chemicals especially meant to remove blood.
I remember him asking if Dad had fell, prying for information about what happened.
The mess could have been worse.
Much worse.
And the flashbacks have been coming more and more.
Yesterday, while trying to distract myself from them, we drove to do some errands.
Some window shopping.
We went through an area of the city that smells like oil.
But in my brain the strong smell reminded me of gun powder.
The way that smell filled the entire house a few minutes after he was gone.
Wonder Woman has been watching a violent drama on TV.
We share a common space, with my back to the black square with moving pictures and loud sounds.
I mostly block it out.
Sometimes I wear headphones.
Lately I’ve been getting sucked into the drama.
I really don’t like this show.
But the storyline is interesting and it draws me in.
Yesterday there was a scene where a character was shot at close range.
The screen blacked out the moment the gunshot happened.
Luckily they didn’t show the aftermath.
And the gunshots don’t sound at all like the one that ripped through the air the last moment he was alive.
I don’t think the TV can capture that sound anyway.
Or that absence of sound after the shot rings out.
I wonder if the TV show is contributing to the violence I see in my head.
But we share a common space.
We spend a lot of time coexisting in the same area.
It’s hard to ask her to pick something else when there wouldn’t be much time to binge this particular show.
There isn’t much alone time in these covid times.
And I’m not sure I really want her to watch something else.
There’s comfort in the normality of the types of shows she watches.
In that background sound.
And I can always put on headphones.
But I feel like headphones put up a wall between us.
It’s hard.
When the flashbacks come I try to box them up,
tape them up tightly,
stick them up on the shelf inside my mind.
It helps.
Yesterday when they were particularly strong, I wrapped the boxes in brown paper.
I stuck them on the highest shelf.
I padlocked the closet door.
They stayed quiet just a little bit longer.
But in the back of my mind,
I still see that coagulated stream of blood,
hanging off of the front of the wheelchair.
Images that don’t want to leave.
Images that won’t leave me alone.
Seriously,
Fuck Him.
Chicken Caprese
This is a Really Real Mental Health post.
I made Chicken Caprese tonight.
I’ve been cooking more often but it’s been quick oven meals, slow cooker meals, or dump and go instant pot stuff.
None of the really good food that I used to make.
But this week I menu planned, and added back some of the yummier stuff that we’ve always liked.
I’m still in this weird period of flux where I’m doing
so
much
better.
But at the same time,
I’m not.
I woke up at 830 this morning,
fought and fought to get myself out of bed.
Tried to bribe myself with activities or coffee.
Pushed and pushed and pushed.
And woke up at 930 when my alarm went off, signaling an upcoming appointment.
I snoozed.
I snoozed.
I snoozed.
And then I begrudgingly rolled out of bed.
After my appointment I wanted to climb back in,
but we had other things scheduled for today.
I can’t figure out why it’s so hard for me to wake up.
I’ve cut out most of my sleeping meds.
The only one I’m still taking is my nightmare med,
which shouldn’t make me that tired.
Because I’m not taking the sleeping meds, it’s taking me a really long time to fall asleep.
I typically get up after an hour, and try again an hour later.
But I’m still not going to bed all that late.
I just need
so
much
sleep.
But tonight I cooked Chicken Caprese.
I stood at the stove and mixed the fragrant ingredients, setting timer after timer to keep myself on track.
It was hot and miserable, but still fun and enjoyable.
I miss cooking like that.
I like that I’m getting my old self back.
The one that finds enjoyment in life.
But I wish it would happen quicker.
Give me my life back, damnit.
He showed up in my dreams again last night.
I can’t remember most of it.
But I remember him standing there, rigid and stern.
The look he got when he was about to lose his shit.
The look he got when I messed up,
again.
Today when I was cooking,
and really when I do much of anything,
I fear messing up.
I fear the disappointment,
or the wrath that might come.
But it’s not coming from anyone near me anymore.
I’m surrounded by love and light.
People who accept me for me.
People who love me as I am.
People who love me,
even when I mess up.
It’s hard to internalize that love though.
It’s hard to recognize that I don’t have to be perfect to be lovable.
That sometimes, people even love me because of the times I mess up.
Unconditional love is hard to understand,
when I grew up feeling like I was only loved when I was perfect.
When I met someone else’s standard of being.
But I’m learning to give myself grace.
To love myself even when I mess up.
To love myself.
Sleep
This is a Really Real Mental Health post.
I feel so so much better.
Except I don’t.
I’m sleeping too much.
Way too much.
And I’m having a hard time getting myself into the shower.
But my dishes are done.
Meals are planned around food we already had in the freezer.
I’m cooking more often.
My kitchen still isn’t clean.
Clean pots and pans are stacked on a stove that is covered in crumbs and spills.
But the dishes are done regularly, and that’s a big deal.
The spices sit all unorganized on the counter instead of in the cabinet (where they no longer fit anyway).
The bottles are spilling over onto the stove.
The kitchen is kind of a disaster, honestly.
But I’m finding more joy in my activities.
I’m leaving the house regularly.
I’m brushing my teeth.
Things that I shouldn’t feel like I deserve an award for, but I do.
Because they are hard.
Hard, hard.
I feel like PHP is at the end of its usefulness.
But I also don’t feel,
healed.
But I’m not sure I’m going to continue healing in PHP.
I’m not sure I need that to keep moving forward anymore.
I’ve come a long way since the day the silence was broken by a gunshot.
I’ve healed so much.
And now it just feels like the
normal depression is still holding me back.
But I’m not sure what to fill my time with if I’m not doing PHP.
My boss isn’t ready to bring me back to work, he has his own stuff going on that needs to be straightened out before he can rehire me.
I don’t want to look for another job because I need the flexibility that came from working for family.
I need the level of understanding that came with that job.
The ability to take a day off here, and work extra hours there.
Or just take a day off without making the hours up.
I need the boss that checked in to make sure I was still doing okay.
That there wasn’t too much piling up
(even though there normally was).
I miss working, and I’m ready to go back.
But what do I do if I’m not working, and I’m not doing PHP.
I did that for years, and I can’t remember what it was like.
I feel like it’s existing without purpose.
It’s a big deal that I’m not ready to go back to nothingness.
It’s a big deal that I need something to occupy my time.
For years I was happy existing with no structure.
No ebb and flow to my days.
Nothing but doctors appointments that seemed to never end.
But now I’m afraid to leave the program behind without having something to take its place.
I have grown so much over the years.
And that day the silence was broken by a gunshot knocked me down a few steps.
But I feel like I’m finally climbing up to the top.
Old Houses
This is a Really Real Mental Health post.
I’ve been dreaming about my dad a lot.
The dreams always take place at his old house, the one I helped him build, the one I spent every other weekend at for most of my childhood years.
We made a lot of memories in that home.
I was sad when he sold it.
I remember climbing on the roof putting shingles on.
I remember him throwing a priced pencil set across the room because I didn’t put it away.
I remember playing in the giant hole where the foundation was dug out.
I remember being called Butch when I got my hair cut short for the first time.
I remember laying bricks, learning how to put just the right amount of mortar on.
I remember realizing Dad was racist, when he was talking about his brick layer.
I remember playing on “Mt. Tina,” the giant pile of dirt where they dug the basement out.
That’s the house I envision when I envision my father.
I only visited him a handful of times at the Florida house.
So that’s not where he is in my dreams.
I dream about him every few nights.
Dreams that take place after he shot himself, but he’s still alive.
A weird dichotomy where I know he’s dead, but I know he’s alive.
The dreams don’t really upset me, most of the time.
But, he tried to kill me in one of them and I screamed out,
scaring Wonder Woman who was sleeping beside me.
I’m pretty upset that I dream about him so often.
In the three months since he’s died, he’s shown up in my dreams more times than Parker ever has.
And she’s been dead for four and a half years.
This wasn’t what I planned to write about today.
I planned to write about pulling out an old hobby.
A friend gifted me a small diamond painting and it reminded me of how many hours I spent doing them a few years ago.
I didn’t realize I missed it until I started doing it again.
Relaxing in a meditative sort of way.
An activity that I get completely immersed in,
focusing on matching each symbol in turn as I work my way around the canvas.
It’s a silly activity.
One that will leave me with giant canvases full of plastic “diamonds.”
Art that I will never do anything with.
But it occupies my mind and my hands.
It gives me something to do on these long winter nights while Covid keeps me trapped inside.
I texted my cousin this week.
Told him I was ready to come back to work a few hours a week.
When he has something for me to do.
It feels like an achievement.
Like I’m healing.
Like I’m getting my life back.
It’s about time.
Day 21
This is a Really Real Mental Health post.
TW: Mention of suicide, mention of gunshot, mention of gore.
I skipped a day again.
But missing 2 days this month isn’t really all that bad, and I don’t really have something to write about every day right now.
I slept till almost noon today.
Didn’t even do my wakeup at 7am to roll over and go back to sleep.
I just slept.
I feel bad for sleeping so much. I’m in bed by midnight at the latest, and sleeping at least 12 hours almost every night.
Partly it’s the sleeping meds.
Partly it’s depression.
Partly it’s still healing from trauma.
It feels like it’s taking so long.
I’m shaming myself for all the things I can’t do, and it’s hard to focus on what I am doing.
For all the things I can’t do, yet.
I keep trying to remind myself that it’s okay that I’m not back to where I was.
I’ll get there.
Apparently, it’s just going to take more time than I like.
My therapist said yesterday that this may not be as much depression, as it is shutting down from the trauma.
Still blocking emotions out.
I feel so flat.
Even things I normally enjoy are just,
flat.
I don’t want to get out of bed in the morning because there’s nothing to look forward to.
It’s nice not being suicidal, but I miss,
living.
I was living my best life, and now I’m just struggling to get out of bed each day.
And I’m trying to be gentle with myself, while also pushing enough that I keep progressing.
But honestly, it’s hard.
It’s hard not to feel like I’m failing.
It’s hard not to feel like I’m letting people down.
It’s hard not to feel like I’m letting myself down.
Healing is exhausting.
And I’m still angry.
Fuck him for taking my stability.
Truly, fuck him.
It’s quiet in the house right now.
I keep forgetting to turn on music but yet, the silence allows the intrusive memories to come.
Fuck him for making every memory of that week turn into a gunshot.
Into a gory image of him in a wheelchair with blood dripping from his face.
Into an image of blood caked on the front of the wheelchair.
Into an image of my sister scrubbing the remnants out of the carpet.
Fuck him.
I’m having bbq, bacon wrapped, shrimp for Thanksgiving.
Wonder Woman hates seafood, hates the smell of it, so I only really cook it when she’s out of town.
My dad used to have seafood for holiday dinners.
It was nice because I’d have a traditional holiday meal at my mom’s house,
and then I’d go to my dad’s and have a seafood feast.
He always made the bbq bacon wrapped shrimp.
I miss it.
It’s been years and years since we’ve had a meal like that.
Years and years since he said “Dad is great, dad is good, lets thank dad for this meal.”
Years and years since he screamed at me for not cleaning fast enough before my sister got there.
Years and years.
I don’t miss him.
I don’t miss the forced phone calls that I tried to make each week because he was an old lonely man who had no other contact with the outside world.
I don’t miss the overwhelming anxiety when I would go for a visit.
I don’t miss the sound of him screaming because I didn’t do things the way that he wanted.
I don’t miss him.
Fuck him.
Fuck him for setting me back so far.
Day 14
This is a Really Real Mental Health post.
I’ve been working on cards all day.
Slept in and then jumped right in finishing cards I started yesterday.
I got tired of being in the house so I left for a drive alone out to a Starbucks (duh) that was further away than my normal one.
I just wanted to be out of the house.
That’s an improvement.
Now to get myself back to walking.
But it’s getting better.
Slowly.
Too slowly.
But I need to be patient.
I don’t really have much to write about today. But I’m 14 days in and I’d hate to miss a day now.
My machine is cutting a material that has to be cut at a low speed.
Normally it’s loud and almost jarring, but right now it’s a musical rhythm. Calming, soothing.
Makes me want to go to sleep. But it’s too late for a nap, too early for bed.
I’ve been tired all day.
But also restless.
And somewhat creative, but I’m getting bored of that.
Not really sure what to work on next that will interest me.
I’m still blah.
But it’s getting better.
Slowly.
Too slowly.
But I need to be patient.
I’ve been having more flashbacks about my dad.
Memories of the week he was home.
Getting frustrated with him for making my job harder.
For being so fucking stubborn.
Fucking asshole.
And every memory ends with the gunshot.
I keep packing them away in my virtual box.
Taping it closed and putting it on the shelf.
It helps for a little while, but inevitably it comes back.
Another memory from that week.
Another gunshot.
It will get better.
Slowly.
Too slowly.
But I need to be patient.
Healing takes time.
Day 4
This is a Really Real Widow post.
I don’t feel like it’s a big deal this year.
I mean, her being gone is always a big deal. She left a hole in a lot of people’s hearts.
But this year her birthday isn’t ripping that hole bigger. Maybe it’s just because so much else is going on.
But today I went and bought cheesecake.
Tonight I’ll get on video chat with our son and talk about her life.
That’s a tradition I hope to continue each year. A few moments remembering the wonderful person she was.
So many memories are slipping away.
The sound of her voice rarely comes to me anymore.
I no longer remember her smell.
I have one shirt of hers left that I wear regularly, but it doesn’t hold the emotion that it once did.
I did intentionally take it with me to the trauma unit though. So I guess there’s so emotion left in it.
She spent her last birthday in the hospital, the psych unit, because of a change in medications that left her reacting violently to me.
She even raised her fist, which was the moment she decided to check in. She was there for almost 2 weeks.
I had balloons and decorations on the walls when she came home. A belated birthday celebration.
A belated celebration of her.
She was dead before her next birthday came around.
I can’t remember how old she would be now. I’m sure I could reach back in my memories to remember what year she was born and do the math, but that doesn’t seem important anymore.
Her mother still sends me the occasional Pineapple Upside Down Cake recipe. It’s my favorite cake. She would bake it for my birthday every year.
We talk for a few moments about life and how we are doing.
A superficial conversation that still leaves much unsaid.
I’m sure today is hard for her. I can’t imagine what it’s like to celebrate the birthday of your child that is no longer with you.
I hope I never experience that loss.
I just sent her mother a message. Letting her know that she was in my thoughts. Another small connection between two people who were left with holes in our hearts when she died.
She is missed. She is loved.
I wish she had lived to see the better side of life. The life where the lights don’t get shut off and we aren’t in fear of an eviction notice.
The life where there’s enough food in our cabinets.
The life where there’s even an occasional vacation.
I still wonder if we ever would have seen this life together.
Or if we would have always struggled.
Today isn’t as hard as it used to be, but it’s still hard.
I still miss her.
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