This is a Really Real Mental Health post.
And a Really Real Health post.
TW: Weight/dieting/exercise. Mention of suicidal thoughts with no intent or plan.
I hate my body.
It’s making me hate who I am.
And I’ve had a few realizations in the last couple of days.
First, I remembered that I’m on a high dose of Abilify. It made me gain some weight at lower doses but the weight gain has gotten so much worse at this increased dose. I think it’s a big reason for my whirlwind eating, and my craving of sweets. It’s the medicine that keeps the suicidal thoughts under control. We had to increase the dose when I was in the hospital, and we increased it again as I finished up with partial. I think it may be time to look into decreasing the dose, or changing to a different med.
Also, I realized I hate my body right now. I hate how I look. I hate how I feel. I hate how hard it is for me to interact with my environment.
I spent the last, however many, years looking at old pictures of me and comparing my round puffy face to the slimmer version it had become. I constantly said how much I never wanted to be that fat and gross. How horrible it was that I ever got that way.
How horrible I was.
It’s really hard to take good care of a body I hate. It’s hard to stick with changes because I don’t really feel like I’m worth it.
I also feel like nothing will change, and like I’ll always go back to this weight.
That thought makes the suicidal thoughts start. The idea that I can’t change this, and this is the body I’ll live in until I die, is hard hard stuff for me.
Often, when I think too much about forever fighting to stay mentally stable, I think that death would be better than fighting for the rest of my life.
Now, when I think too much about forever fighting to keep my weight under control, I think that death would be better than fighting for the rest of my life.
I started to list the things I was doing and trying to do, but honestly, those won’t matter until I go back to loving myself where I’m at.
I hate that I could say “I deserve to take up space” when I was 50 lbs lighter, but now I feel like I don’t deserve the space I take.
I hate that I could see how beautiful I am at one weight, but I can’t see my beauty now.
I hate that I feel like I need external validation.
I hate that the same people who praised me for losing weight, will judge me for gaining it back.
I hate that some of them will feel they can speak that judgement out loud.
I hate feeling like this.
I hate being like this.
I hate me.