This is a Really Real Mental Health post.
I just felt like writing today.
I don’t have any real reason, anything pressing on my mind,
but I felt the need to put fingers to keys.
Earbuds in my ears, gentle piano music piping through.
My writing music.
I woke up before 4 pm today.
I’m already on my second cup of coffee.
I talked to my pdoc, and we discussed options.
Different anti-depressants that may be activating.
We’re restarting my Ritalin, something that the trauma unit discontinued.
And that’s when I started having problems with sleeping too much.
We’re also raising my antidepressant.
Hopefully this fixes it.
It will be a week or two before I know, she doesn’t use electronic prescriptions and will have to mail me a paper script.
She’s the best psychiatrist I’ve ever had, but at her age even a fax machine seems advanced.
She works for herself, no staff, just a tiny little messy office in an apartment building.
Of course, now she’s working from home. All of our appointments done via phone call.
I’m not even sure that she owns a computer.
I’ve wondered what will happen if she dies. Who will inform me?
Will I just suddenly not get the call at our scheduled time, and eventually I’ll find a new prescriber?
Weird thoughts that run through my head.
I’m starting on the preparations for the Florida trip.
Laundry is gathered, list is started, plans to clean out the fridge more completely for trash night tonight.
Tomorrow we will dig out the car and run some errands.
It’s still snowing.
Yesterday it was tiny little flakes, today it’s big and fluffy.
It’s supposed to rain and get icy.
Ew.
Snow days used to be the only days I took a break.
Running around for appointments and interesting things.
Plans with friends, the gym, long walks.
Snow days are just another day now.
I’m such a homebody.
Finding the balance between safety and using it as an excuse is just hard.
I haven’t found that point yet.
This trip is taking me way outside of my covid comfort zone.
But it’s with good reason.
And it will break the monotony that has become my life.
A monotony that so many people feel right now.
Ew.
Today my pdoc called me a lady.
I got that gross feeling that I get when I’m misgendered.
I don’t think I’ve ever told her though.
And by the time I realized I should say something, the moment had passed and we were on to other topics.
It’s hard to know when to say something, and when to just let it pass.
We’re heading south.
I know I’ll get “ma’am”ed and “miss”ed on a regular basis.
I’ll get that gross feeling but just let it go.
It’s easier that way.
I don’t get the weird looks and the lack of understanding.
Medication
Lost Stability
This is a Really Real Trauma Post.
And a Really Real Mental Health Post, because the two go together.
TW: Mention of Suicidal Thoughts. Mention of Completed Suicide.
These have been long lately, thanks for those who are reading along.
First for the good news.
I’m wearing headphones and not freaking out, for the first time since that shot rang out.
I also turned off the hallway light tonight after we got home, without waiting for something to jump out from behind the shadows.
Slowly, I’m healing.
I’m taking note of the little things because maybe they’ll help me stop focusing on all of the bigger things.
Today I talked to my psychiatrist, she started off talking about raising my antidepressant, which we had been talking about a month or two ago.
I told her that was no longer the concern. The minor depression I had still been feeling when I was stable before wasn’t anywhere near as important as the current desire to end my life.
Or the sleep deprivation and nightmares.
And I realized, that’s part of what’s pissing me off so fucking much. Not only did this traumatize me, bringing with it, the previous traumas in my life.
Not only did this make me wobble in a really big way.
It did it when I was in a place of pretty solid stability. Yes, I was still slightly depressed. Yes, I was having problems focusing on work or other projects. Yes, it wasn’t perfect, but I was stable.
My feet were planted on solid ground and we were just making minor adjustments.
Today after PHP I laid in bed, unable to nap, but unwilling to be up. When Wonder Woman started mentioning going for a walk I got so angry with her. A rage that made me want to scream and yell at her. A rage that made me snap at her via text because I couldn’t trust myself to talk to her in person.
I haven’t felt that sort of rage in a long long time. I hate that side of me. I hate that it even exists.
I remember when I was finally fighting through the trauma of Parker’s death I sat on the kitchen floor and kicked the side of a shelving unit in. Using all of my force to release the rage brewing inside of me. So deep and solid with nowhere else to go but out. I started by drawing lines on my skin and by the end I was digging the pen in with all of my force. I remember that day, and I remember it being the day I measured my successes against. At least I wasn’t that bad anymore.
Today when I was talking to my psychiatrist, I told her I needed to be back on Abilify. The same medication I fought so hard to get off of because it makes me eat the house.
But I’m back to needing to be fat and alive rather than skinny and dead.
And it fucking sucks. I was so proud of myself for being able to brush away any suicidal thoughts that I had, even without the help of that medication. I was so proud of myself for being able to ignore them, or distract myself from them.
And now they are back with a vengeance. That rage turned inward taking away my will to exist.
I just want to go to sleep and never wake up, unless waking up means this never happened.
I see myself with a gun to my head, I hear the gun shots that no longer sound like bangs in the back of my head but now sound like the pops that they truly are.
The sound of gunshots in the back of my head were always the first sign of a suicidal downswing. Hearing how those sounds have changed, and seeing that it truly would be a viable way out, if I had a gun. Now I not only relate a way out to pills, but also to guns. They are ways that I know will work, I’ve seen it first hand.
And I was stable.
I was stable.
Now the thoughts have a tight hold around my neck, squeezing tighter and tighter. The bed is my safe space. Holding the blanket tight around me means I can’t act on the urges.
The other day Wonder Woman, in reaction to a suicidal post, told me she knew that if I looked hard enough I could find what I needed around here. No matter how careful we are to keep things locked up, if I tried hard enough, anything in this house could be a tool for my death.
So when the thoughts are bad, I put myself in bed. As long as I don’t step foot out from under those covers I can’t do any harm.
And while I’m there the shots can ring out in the back of my head, and the urges can come all they want, but I can’t act on them.
But that same survival mechanism allows for the thoughts to twist and turn and get stronger and stronger and louder and louder.
Being in bed is both the best and the worst place for me.
I’ve started walking late at night with my old gym buddy. We are doing super short walks for now, but plan to build up our strength and stamina again. Maybe one day soon I’ll be back in the gym where you can’t tell the sweat from the tears. Maybe I’ll be back to working it out that way.
But for now we just walk our little circle around the neighborhood, sometimes talking, sometimes silently, becoming accountability buddies for each other.
Just like before.
Just like the last time I healed from finding someone dead.
This sucks, but sometimes I can see myself getting back to stability. Sometimes I can remember that I did this once, and I will do it again.
Sometimes.
The rest of the time I just have to fight to hold on. Live from one Starbucks trip to the next.
Just make it one more day.
One more hour.
One more minute.
One more second.
And to think, just a few short weeks ago, I was stable.
He took that from me with the same shot that took his life from him.
Suicide doesn’t end the pain, it just gives it to those who are left behind.
I guess there’s a reason for this rage that keep building up inside of me.
This isn’t fair.
But I’m okay.
Or at least, I will be okay.
Side Effects
This is a Really Real Mental Health post.
And a Really Real Medical Health post.
TW: Talk of weight, mention of suicidal thoughts, talk of marijuana use, talk of narcotic pain medications. (Also, side note, sorry I haven’t been as good about TW, I will go back to using them more frequently.)
This is super long, way longer than most of my posts (twice the length it seems), but, writing helps, and I have a lot to say this time. I totally understand if it’s too long to get through, thanks for reading this far.
I need medications to stay stable.
Medications come with side effects.
Side effects make it difficult to continue taking the medications.
I need medications to stay stable.
The Abilify really really helped me. It kept the suicidal thoughts tame enough that I could handle them most of the time. An extra 50 lbs later (more than 50, who am I kidding), I couldn’t continue taking it anymore because my weight and the fact that I gained it all back, was making me suicidal. It seemed dumb to stay on a medication to control my suicidal thoughts when the side effects were making me suicidal.
Around the time we were taking me off of Abilify, I started using medical marijuana. A few different doctors and my therapist had mentioned that it might help with this and that, and I figured it wouldn’t hurt to try.
It helped a lot once I found the right strains, I found that keeping a very low buzz was just enough to make me able to focus on work, I got more done in that few weeks than I had in awhile. It was easier to do the things that needed to be done, but at the same time I was facing a lack of motivation. I felt less anxious. I was sleeping better. My pain was almost completely controlled.
And I was eating the house again, because, munchies are a real side effect of marijuana. What’s the point of stopping a med that makes me eat too much, just to replace it with a med that makes me eat too much.
So I stopped it.
But now the lack of focus is back, the anxiety is back, the difficulty sleeping is back. My pain is back, too.
I’m on a few different medications for pain. The one I take every day is an anti-inflammatory. It helps, but not enough.
Earlier this year my primary put me back on Oxycodone, not necessarily daily, but on an as needed basis. It helps, a lot, but also I’m hesitant to take it. I didn’t need it at all when I was using marijuana. But now that I’m not using that, I’m instead falling back on the Oxycodone. It scares me. I was on it daily (actually, multiple times a day) a few years ago. I absolutely feel like dependency on medication isn’t always a bad thing (I’m dependent on my psych meds), and I absolutely feel that withdraw is something that happens with a lot of meds (stop taking a psych med cold turkey and you’ll see what I mean . . .actually, don’t do that.) Dependency on narcotics feels like a whole different ballgame. Maybe it is, maybe it isn’t. I don’t really want to go there, so I use it super sparingly.
I’m falling back on my Ativan more often, because it controls the overwhelming anxiety. Ativan is another one I’m super careful with. A thirty day script will often last me 6 months or more. But right now, because of the whole 2020 thing, I need it more often, and I don’t like that.
Oh, and I should mention my antidepressant and those side effects. It causes nausea. It’s bad enough that some nights I actually get sick a few hours after taking it. We’d like to increase it because it could probably work a bit better. But increased doses cause more nausea. What is worse, living with low grade depression constantly, or being miserable after taking the medication to treat it.
I’m stuck in this trap. All of the medications have side effects. Figuring out which side effects are worse than the ailment they’re treating is a constant conversation within myself and with my doctors.
I’m frustrated. I want solutions that don’t cause more problems.
I need medications to stay stable.
Medications come with side effects.
Side effects make it difficult to continue taking the medications.
I need medications to stay stable.
Hulk Smash
This is a Really Real Mental Health post.
Anger.
Coursing through my blood.
Irritated.
Through every fiber of my being.
The whole day just snowballed against me. The littlest things setting me off.
Except, it was all internalized. Nothing was said other than a quick “I’m grumpy today.” But beyond that, the anger just stayed in my head.
Spinning round and round, like a tornado, finding more things to suck into the vortex. I just wanted to scream and lash out, but I also knew that wasn’t rational. I knew it wasn’t actually anything that was happening around me.
I was just angry.
The inside of my skull was so so loud. Scripting fights, scripting explosions, scripting a loss of control.
But I controlled it, kept it deep inside.
We got home and I climbed in bed.
I kept trying to think of DBT skills that would help, and I could feel them, just outside of my reach, just beyond my grasp.
I was afraid to get up and go for my book, because it felt like the anger would eat me alive. It felt like I would lose the battle to keep it all inside.
So I stayed in bed. Fuming at everything and nothing.
Finally I dosed off, powerful angry dreams haunting me in my sleep. I woke up a few hours later, Wonder Woman asking if I wanted to get up so that I could sleep that night.
I opted to get up long enough to take meds (mother fucker, they had to be put together again), take a few ativan and a meletonin, and go back to bed for the night.
I slept straight through.
Today I’m not so angry. Today I can look back from a place of calm and see what went wrong.
The Abilify is totally out of my system now, a few weeks after I stopped taking it. And for the first week or two, I was smoking medical marijuana. It did a great job at lowering my reactivity off of the medication, but then I realized it was making me eat the house. Which was the whole reason I went off of Abilify.
So I stopped that too.
And now I’m left wondering if this anger could become my new normal.
Anger makes people die.
Today I’m tired, melatonin and a higher than normal dose of ativan will do that.
I’m tired. But I’m not angry anymore.
Anger is the most likely to make me lash out. Anger pulls me apart. Anger feels like it’s going to split me at the seams.
Anger is wrong. Anger is the one emotion I wish I could stop feeling, forever.
Anger.
Where’s My Roller Coaster?
This is a Really Real Mental Health Post.
It’s been 2 weeks since I’ve written. Now granted, time is going super fast, so it feels like less than that, but it really has been 2 weeks. I wrote daily for a long time, I wrote at least twice a week for a long time. Now I’m lucky if I write every couple of weeks.
Part of it is Covid. Nothing exciting is happening in my life. It’s the same shit, different day, different week, different month.
But a bigger part of it is that I’m just stuck in this low grade, constant, depression.
I miss my roller coaster. The monotony of day to day life with mental illness was broken up by constantly changing levels of mania and depression.
Good news: we stopped the rapid cycling.
Bad news: we stopped the rapid cycling.
Mental health was an obstacle course before. Making it through this episode just long enough for the next one to kick in. It was exhausting, but it was interesting.
Now my mental health is a long marathon. Just keep functioning at some constant level, reserving energy for the long haul.
The benefit to the obstacle course was that the adrenaline, kept me going, The hypomania and the influx of serotonin that it brought, kept me going.
That said, I read the posts I made in years past and I know that it wasn’t all that comfortable riding the roller coaster either. The suicidal thoughts were worse (and more dangerous) during mixed episodes. The hypomania brought along poor decision making. The lows were so dark, so so dark.
But, this version of stability is its own type of difficult.
I mean, I should be thankful that I’m stable. The suicidal thoughts are fleeting. I’ve held a job for close to 6 months. I’m not constantly in crisis.
But I’m also depressed enough that I’m often doing the bare minimum. Just enough to get me through to the next day. I can’t seem to find the will or the energy to do more.
I have enough work available to easily pull 20-30 hours a week. Yet, some weeks I’m lucky if I do half that.
And it isn’t that I don’t want to. I sit here stuck. I want to work, I know what I want to work on, but I just can’t find the energy to actually do it.
And it’s not just work, so it’s not just that I’m avoiding that.
I have a list of cards to make for friends. The list was made in April and May. It’s July. I’m still only part way through this list.
Side note for those that requested cards, they will make it to you eventually, I promise.
I sit here, aimlessly scrolling facebook. I want to craft, I want to game, I want to do SOMETHING, but I can’t find the will or the energy to start.
This is hard. A different kind of hard than constant crisis.
I miss my roller coaster.
Just hold on
This is a Really Real Mental Health Post.
TW: Talk of suicide, including plan. Talk of weight/weight loss/weight gain.
There’s so much in my brain and I don’t know where to start. This ended up being super super long, but I need to get it out. Words of encouragement and understanding would be greatly appreciated.
Last night was really, really hard.
It started with boredom. None of my usual activities were grabbing my attention. I tried pushing through and making myself start something anyway. Just start, just design one card, just complete one quest, just plan one dish.
Just start something.
But I wasn’t able to. So slowly I felt myself drifting towards bed. Once there I couldn’t even bring myself to turn on the TV.
Laying there my mind was wandering. Is this the medication change, it’s supposed to make me less flat and sometimes it just doesn’t seem to be doing that. It’s supposed to help me eat less, and I thought I was, but yesterday morning I had gotten on the scale, and I gained another 10 lbs.
Inching ever closer to my heaviest weight. A weight I swore I’d never reach again. I worked so so hard to lose so much. Even at 300 lbs I was proud of my body and what it could do. I felt accomplished at the gym. I was far more at peace with my body, even though I still had a lot to lose.
I spent months working towards bariatric surgery, for the 3rd time, and right as I cleared the last hurdle, they thought that emotionally it could be very dangerous for me to move forward. I walked away from the program on the day I was supposed to set a surgery date. I still don’t know if it was the right decision.
That was when this latest weight gain started. I had already stalled with losing, due to the medication increase, but then I started gaining. We increased the medication more, and I gained more. First I noticed 10 lbs, then a couple of months later there was another 10. Then in the first couple of months of quarantine it just kept going up and up and up.
And as much as the numbers suck, even worse is that I’ve lost my ability to walk as far as I used to. My pain is worse. I get out of breath just getting adjusted in bed. Walking up to my second floor apartment feels like running a marathon.
I don’t feel proud of what my body can do anymore. I spent almost 2 years celebrating accomplishment after accomplishment, and now I’m back to living in my desk chair barely able to hold myself up.
And last night it crashed down on me. Weight is such a huge trigger for my suicidal thoughts.
It started with a quiet whisper. “You failed again.”
Then a little louder. “You’re right back where you were, fat and useless, and no matter how hard you work, you’ll always end up back here.”
With a little more force, “You’ll never overcome this, it’s not worth trying anymore, it’s not worth living.”
In the back of my mind I started telling myself. Get up, get dressed, go for a walk. You don’t have to give in to this.
“See, you can’t even do that, can’t even bring yourself to work on this. You’re such a fat failure and you’re just taking up space. The world would be better off without you in it”
Then the quiet voice again. Please, just get up, put on shoes, and walk. You don’t even have to change out of your pajamas, just get out of bed and walk.
There was a back and forth battle between the voice that wanted me to die, and the quiet voice trying to stand up and help me live.
I came out to the living room and checked some pill bottles. I don’t have enough of this, this, or that . . of course we keep most of it locked up, but maybe, maybe if I take all three different ones.
I started hoping that Wonder Woman would go in the other room. Go into the bathroom, so that I had enough time to take what I had. I know she’d notice if I took the pills into my room, and she’d definitely notice if I took them right there. I just needed to take them and go to sleep. Hopefully I wouldn’t wake up.
It was a calm sort of suicidality . I wasn’t afraid, I wasn’t rushed, I was just waiting for the right moment.
Just waiting in bed and listening for the moment when she got up from the sofa.
Quietly waiting.
Instead I sent her a text. A that small voice fighting to live. “I’m calmly but intensely suicidal tonight.”
She asked how she could help. I didn’t have an answer.
Eventually, I heard her get up. I was waiting to hear the bathroom door. It would finally be my chance. But instead she turned off the lights and came to bed. We talked.
I told her my plan.
She locked up more meds, and I felt like a child in need of a babysitter.
And then I felt defeated. I felt, and still feel, like there’s no way out of this mess I’m in. This mess that is me.
We went to the store this morning. She reminded me that I had to stay alive to cook the food we were buying. I felt the voice slowly fading away. Slowly backing off.
I’m worried that these thoughts are because we’re lowing the medication. But staying on such a high dose is just going to exacerbate my weight problems. It’s nearly impossible to lose weight when the intense craving for food feels like a drug addiction. I can not adequately explain the drive to eat that has been occurring the last 6 months or more.
And you can’t just quit food cold turkey.
I don’t have any answers. I don’t have any uplifting ending to this post. I don’t have any feel good words.
I just have me, feeling like I don’t want to continue to fight.
I just have me sitting here, getting my words out on the screen so that they don’t eat me alive.
Asshole Brain
TW: Suicidal Thoughts
This is a Really Real Mental Health Post.
My brain is an asshole sometimes.
Last night was one of those times.
Stuck in bed at 9pm, unable to fight my way out without help. Brain beating me up for everything I might have done wrong in the past months. Brain beating me up for my weight, my lack of motivation. Beating me up for existing.
Not wanting to exist any longer.
The suicidal thoughts were fleeting, but they were there, quietly humming in the background under a very loud chorus of self loathing.
I hate my body. I hate my brain. Sometimes it feels like I hate life.
Even though life isn’t all that bad, really. I mean, the world is going up in flames, but my own little bubble isn’t all that horrible, considering what my past has looked like.
Isolation is getting to me.
We were supposed to get out of the house today, taking a break from these four walls to visit someplace that wasn’t a necessity. Getting some fresh air. I was hoping for it, looking forward to it. And instead it’s going to storm.
I guess we’re staying home again.
These four walls are exhausting.
It doesn’t help that I’m hurting. Whatever is going on in my chest is this constant dull roar seeping it’s way into all areas of my life. While the hospital ruled out the most dangerous things, I’m still worried.
I’m still scared.
I’m still anxious.
I’m still feeling lethargic, unable to do much of anything before I’m exhausted.
Which makes me climb in bed.
Which allows asshole brain to speak up again.
Hello my old friend.
It’s almost, in a strange way, comforting to hear the quiet hum. Comforting in the worst sort of way.
It’s what I know. It’s what I’m used to. The constant roar of my trains of thought, underlined by the hum of wanting to die.
It’s also scary.
My doctor called in a med that, in high enough doses, could kill me. It took everything in me to speak up and tell Wonder Woman that she needed to take the pills when I pick them up, handing it out small numbers at a time, so that I don’t have access to it.
Another pill bottle in the safe.
I wanted to hold onto this one. Comfort myself with the knowledge that a way out was right there.
But that just makes the hum louder. It makes it more real.
It’s dangerous.
I have to be protected from my own asshole brain.
I have to be protected.
I have to be.
Blah
This is a Really Real Mental Health post.
TW: Mention of weight being a problem for me, but no mention of dieting.
First of all, I realize I’ve slowed way down on my writing. I’m writing some short stuff for the Facebook page/group I’m a part of, but mostly, my writing has just stopped. (Link to page and group in the comments.)
Second, everything I have written, for awhile now, seems to deal with either my weight, or work, and how hard both of those things are for me right now.
And I really did plan to make this post different, maybe come up with some more interesting topic, or something new. Except my weight, and work are the two things that are most difficult in my life. Everything else is just . . . there . . . it doesn’t really bother me.
I mean, the dishes keep piling up in the sink, and I can’t find the will to cook. Showering, and even brushing my teeth are chores that are difficult to force myself through. I’m sleeping for 12-ish hours a night.
If it sounds like depression and looks like depression it must be nothing. This is fine, everything is fine.
Well, I guess the other things are bothering me, they just don’t feel as pressing, or has as much of a sense of urgency about them. They are just part of my current normal.
I feel like I have no will power to just muscle through this stuff. Weight and work included. I haven’t been able to make the changes I need to make. I haven’t been able to stick to a schedule. I haven’t been able to just “do the things.”
But also, I know this will pass. I will get back into a routine. I will slowly change these new, unhealthy, habits, back into the healthier habits I had before. I will go back to thriving with a routine, and find satisfaction in a job well done. Dishes and menu planning and straightening up around the house will go back to being just things that I do.
My current meds, probably the higher dose of Abilify, are muting my emotions. In an effort to keep me from rapid cycling and ending up in a mixed mood episode, we’ve made life kind of flat for me. Yeah, I don’t get hypomanic, and the suicidal thoughts are mostly controlled, but the world is kind of grey and 2 dimensional. I don’t feel difficult things as strongly, but I’m also missing out on the bright colors of emotions I’m used to seeing.
This is fueling my depression, I’m sure. When the world seems flat and made up mostly of various shades of grey, it’s harder to see the positives and feel hopeful. It’s hard to be excited about life.
When there’s no sense of accomplishment when I complete a task, it’s hard to keep repeating that task over and over again.
But, mental illness is hard. It’s an everyday battle. The constant fight is draining. Even just riding the waves without fighting against them is draining.
This too shall pass. Hopefully some slow med changes will help. Hopefully the warmer months and more sun will help (If I can get myself out of the house.) Hopefully continuing to adjust to this new normal will help.
Hopefully.
If I can hold onto that hope, I’m winning the battle.
Not Again
This is a Really Real Mental Health Post.
TW: Talk of suicidal thoughts with plan, also mention of weight. After writing this I feel safe.
About 10 days ago they put me back on a medication that in large doses could kill me.
When I first got the 30 day supply, I knew immediately that I needed to lock most of it up.
But I never did.
And each time I would take one, I’d think “I need to give most of this to Wonder Woman to put away.”
But I never did.
And sometime last week the thought shifted. Instead of “I need to give it to her to put away” it became “This really is enough to do the job quickly and quietly.”
And every time I took one, the thought of taking the whole bottle crossed my mind.
Again.
And Again.
And Again.
I wasn’t even suicidal. It was just an intrusive thought.
Until today.
Until the moment where the switch flipped.
I’ve slept a lot today. I woke up super early so when I finished work I took a nap.
And when I finished my late lunch I took a nap.
And then I ate again and napped again.
I woke up from that nap and while laying there, a thought train started.
“I’m letting myself down because I can’t walk tonight. I’m so fat right now and losing this is going to be really hard. But at least I’m thinking it’s possible instead of wanting to kill myself over it. It’s kind of nice to be able to think about being fat and not immediately want to die over it. I’m glad I’m in a good place right now. I’d rather be fat and alive than skinny and dead.”
“But those pills are right there, and it would be so easy.”
“And Wonder Woman is busy for the next few hours.”
“And life is just so very hard right now.”
“And look at how much weight you’ve gained in such a short period of time, you’re repeating the same pattern all over again.”
“And those pills are right there.”
“And you’d just go to sleep.”
“You’d die quietly just like Parker.”
And I got out of bed just in time to see Wonder Woman go in and shut the door for her meeting.
“Those pills are right there.”
I knew I needed to say something. Shine a light into all of the dark spaces. Open my mouth and shut these thoughts up.
“Those pills are right there.”
I took Siah out and checked the mail. I hopped on Facebook, opening message windows and closing them, willing myself to reach out, if not to say that I needed help, just to check on someone else and start talking to someone.
“Those pills are right there.”
Those pills are still right there. But writing about it has helped a lot. I shined some light into these dark spaces. I feel safer now.
So quick it can go from “I’m fine” to “I’m not fine.”
So quick it can go from “I’m not fine” to “I’m fine.”
But that space in between is so very dark. So very very dark.
Adding to the Sea
This is a Really Real Mental Health Post.
I’m going to add to the sea of posts about it.
I process through writing and if I’m thinking about it this way, someone else is too, and if someone else is too, they need to know they’re not alone.
I’m trying so hard not to get swept up in the panic. I’m trying to find that fine line between reacting out of fear and doing my part.
And I feel that panic under the surface. Partly because I’m surrounded by posts about it, constant conversation about it, constant warnings about it, constant talk about statistics, flattening the curve, do this, don’t do that.
Toilet Paper.
I’ve started to panic a few times. I even got stuck in bed over it. Completely consumed by emotions that overwhelmed me. I reached out and got some advice from logic minded, calm, people in my life.
I decided instead of panicking, I’d be prepared if I get this. I got some cough meds and refilled my inhaler. I made sure we had some soup. I’m looking into getting some extra refills of my regular meds.
And, now I’m questioning every activity I have in my life. Do I keep going to therapy, group therapy? What about support groups? How about Physical Therapy?
In what ways can I minimize my contact with the outside world, while still doing self care.
Therapy is a hard, hard choice. It’s a necessary part of my week. But my therapist spends all day in a hospital setting with a large group of people.
Group therapy is a another hard call. It’s a helpful part of my week. The therapists in the program are amazing. The group I meet with is amazing. But group settings are not ideal right now, and those same therapists are involved. They are in a large hospital group, all day, every day.
Support groups, I think are an easy call. I can avoid them. I even hope they put the groups on hold for a few weeks (NAMI has), but that’s not my call to make.
And my knee hurts like a bitch. But it’s hurt for months, and there are lots of older people at PT who are recovering from surgeries and have to be there. I can minimize my contact with them by holding off for a month or two. Maybe, if I get it, I’ll keep from spreading it. Maybe I’ll avoid exposure.
I feel like most of us are going to get this as some point. But as everyone says, flattening the curve.
Flattening the curve gives medical personnel a better chance at keeping up.
Because I have friends who stand to get really, really sick. I have friends who will likely end up hospitalized.
I have friends who might break the number one rule. (#1. Don’t die.)
Flattening the curve gives them a fighting chance.
And if I can minimize their risk, I feel like it’s my job to do so.
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