Coronavirus

Am I becoming who I was?

/ Self Saving Warrior Princess / 1 Comment

This is a Really Real Mental Health Post.

There was a time in my life where I never left my computer chair.

I barely ever left the house because the world was too scary.

I worked hard to leave that version of me behind.

I worked so very hard.

But now staying home is the best thing I can do, the best thing for everyone. But I live in a tiny apartment that has way too much stuff. I spend all my time in my computer chair, working, crafting, gaming, talking to friends and family. I stay busy, but I stay in this chair.

I try to get out for a walk but the weather doesn’t want to cooperate. It’s getting easier and easier to make excuses.

I hurt. My joints remind me of what it was like to stay inside all day. My joints remind me that even though this is what we’re supposed to be doing, it’s very much like what I did before.

Not leaving the house for days at a time is one of the worst things I can do for my mental health.

And my physical health.

I feel myself stiffening up. My joints no longer wanting to move. My body no longer wanting to venture outside of these four walls. How much of it is emotional? How much is physical?

This is it’s own special kind of hell for someone who was once agoraphobic. I feel the old anxieties creeping back. It’s not safe out there. It’s safer to stay inside.

There was a time in my life when I never left my computer chair.

I barely ever left the house because the world was too scary.

I hate that I’m becoming that person again.

Even if it’s for a good reason.

So Much Anxiety

/ Self Saving Warrior Princess / Leave a comment

This is a Really Real Mental Health Post.

I’m full of anxiety, mostly about work.

The kind of anxiety that makes me feel like I can’t breathe.

The kind of anxiety I remember from when I was a little kid.

That

“I fucked up”

anxiety.

Except I don’t think I’ve actually fucked anything up. Either way, I’m doing the best I can given the circumstances.

But I can’t shake this overwhelming feeling that

I

Fucked

Up.

It’s like waiting for the other shoe to drop. Except I’m waiting for someone to told me I singlehandedly destroyed it all.

But I’m not that powerful.

I can’t save it, and I can’t destroy it.

I can just keep doing what I’m doing. Pushing papers, writing posts, trying to learn things that I’ve never done before. Trying to keep doing the next right thing.

It’s not my place to save the world.

I’m not that powerful.

But this overwhelming anxiety is locking me in place. I can’t catch my breath, even when I slow down my breathing. Even when I focus on just sitting with the feelings and letting them pass through. Even when I try to remain rooted in this moment. Even when.

My chest is heavy. The ativan isn’t working.

This is SO HARD.

I still can’t believe I took a mental health day today, but I can’t imagine being able to focus on work in this state.

All I can hope is that I can get it back under wraps by tonight, because I have to go back to working sometime, and I don’t feel like this anxiety is going to end anytime soon.

I feel like it’s a part of this new normal we’re living in.

Writing that brought tears to my eyes.

This overwhelming feeling of panic could be here to stay while the world figures out how to exist like this. This discomfort could be a part of me for the foreseeable future.

That is hard shit. But if I can’t run from it, I have to learn how to exist with it. How to make it less debilitating.

I need it to stop raining so I can go for a walk.

I need to stop drinking so much caffeine, that isn’t helping for sure.

I guess it’s time to take another ativan while I figure out how to weave this discomfort into my life. How to exist around it and through it.

If it isn’t going away for awhile, I guess it’s time to make friendly with the weight on my shoulders, the pressure in my chest, the never ending thoughts in my brain.

Maybe it’s time that we coexist.

Hi, old friend, lets chat.

Work, work, work, work, work.

/ Self Saving Warrior Princess / 1 Comment

This is a Really Real Mental Health Post.

I should be thankful that I still have a job. Many of my friends don’t.

But I’m stuck wondering, just how important is it to repair scratches and dents on cars when the world as we know it is changing. Just how important is a fancy ride.

So I’m having a hard time focusing on the billing and the blog posts and the appointment setting. I’m having a hard time focusing on the advertising and the website and the SEO.

I’m having a hard time focusing.

I should be thankful that I still have a job. Many of my friends don’t.

And honestly, the work I’m doing is keeping others employed. If I don’t bill, if I don’t advertise, if I don’t help draw in more business, the few employees the company has, won’t have a job much longer.

I’m helping out in my own little way.

I’m frustrated that I just started working before this. I mean, two months ago I wouldn’t have had this additional worry on my plate.

But I guess working is a good thing. It takes up a chunk of my day that would otherwise be unfilled. Once I can get myself focused on work, it takes my focus off of worry and anxiety and panic about the state of the world. Work gives me a purpose.

I’m thankful that I still have a job. Many of my friends don’t.

Today my boss dropped off my paycheck. The biggest one I’ve gotten to date. I feel accomplished every time I get paid. I feel like I’m a contributing member of society.

So I guess I’m lucky that I started working before life changed so drastically for all of us. I guess I’m lucky to have work to turn to, to focus on. I’m lucky that I have a job I was already doing from home. I’m lucky.

And I’m thankful.

But I think I forget that part.

I get so wrapped up in the anxiety and the panic and the “how can I focus on this when that is happening all around us” that I forget how much I really enjoy this job.

How much it means to me.

It’s easier to get overwhelmed right now. Easier to be overcome by anxiety when my boss is giving me a never ending list of things that need to be done. And maybe I should ask him to give me lists in shorter bursts.

But I’m thankful that I still have a job.