Really real mental health post . . .

This was supposed to stop once the death date passed. I’m doing all of the right things, I’m going to PHP, I’m doing the work, I’m even going to the gym. I’m staying active, I’m staying busy, why is there a fucking elephant on my chest.

Why am I so fucking angry.

Why do I feel like I can’t fucking breathe.

Why can’t I fucking breathe.

I don’t know what’s worse, having a panic attack and not knowing, or having one, knowing, and still not being able to stop it.

Laying in bed and feeling my chest tighten, not wanting to fight against myself to breathe, knowing thats just going to make it worse, and at the same time feeling the need to fight.

It looks so peaceful on the outside but on the inside my brain is screaming. How many years did it take me to learn to stay calm through that?

The good news is, I’m learning to fight against my own instincts to fight. And by that I mean fighting in general. I’m not fighting myself, I’m not fighting the people around me, and I’m not fighting to breathe when my body panics. The bad thing is, my body is responding by making me panic.

More work to be done, more groups, more tears, more long days and exhausting nights, many many more panic attacks I’m sure.

This fucking sucks, but it’s still better than the alternative.


Content note: mental health stuffs. Not really any triggering content that I know of (heeyyyy progress!!!!)

My day started with me muttering “Fuck” when I woke up at 1050 for an 11am therapist appointment. It’s been a long long time since I’ve done that. So much baggage built into oversleeping.

Old me would have spewed anger everywhere and all over everyone. This time I was a lot calmer. Luckily I had clothes out (thanks last night me) because my room is a damn disaster due to depression.

Wonder Woman drove me. I hate needing help (Self Saving Warrior Princess… remember?) I’m glad she was there to help me. So fucking glad. Can we even discuss how much I was beating myself up on that drive?

Therapy went well. More discussions about PRP vs IOP vs DBT groups (you need a masters in abbreviations to keep up). I left with more numbers to call. We talked about unpacking unnecessary baggage vs just leaving it at the top of the steps (I argued that I would still have to clean it up later).

And then my amazing girlfriend took me on a walk through the park.

Damn exercise. Eww fresh air and nature. Ewwwww holding hands and cute pictures with a super cute girl.

I’m still grumpy and blah, but a little less so. And my brain is a little less of an asshole right now.

This weekend was great with derby stuff and there were still many hard hard hours between when’re I held on and that was all I could do.

Today started off horribly jarring and ick and then was a great walk in the park and a great lunch.

Maybe I can start reversing the ratio of shit moments to good ones?

My brain needs a break.