Growth

Two plus one

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At one point yesterday I told Wonder Woman, “I’m ready to get this day over with so I can start looking forward to the next date.”  This major one is over and the next one is a happy one, the day I met Wonder Woman online.  I jump from date to date in my life, a whole list of them stacked up.  I _know_ that need to learn mindfulness and it’s something I’m working on, and in ways I’m succeeding, but also, going from one date to the next has been a survival mechanism for so long, that unfortunately old habits die hard.

When you are constantly fighting suicidal thoughts, as each major milestone passes, you are looking for the next one, and when traumas start happening, those dates, unfortunately, get added in there too.

But mindfulness is happening as well.  Driving to the beach yesterday I started thinking about and talking about some string of things that needed to happen and mid spiral I stopped and said that that would stress me out so I just didn’t go there.  That’s something that’s hard for me because I need to have my plans and my lists and my ways of knowing that I have everything taken care of to make it to that next major date without everything falling apart.

And why wouldn’t I need, or at least feel like I need, all of those things in order?  I mean, in reality we have very limited control, but the feeling of control is what keeps us moving forward.  If we had no control we would throw our hands up and give up when things get hard.

Self Saving Warrior Princess does all of the things, but learning how to do them and not try to over think and think ahead of every spin and twist and turn is a big difference.  Staying present right now but still keep on top of what has to be done, and let go of what I can’t handle . . .

That’s some serenity prayer shit right there.

And even twelve step programs count how long it’s been since you last relapsed, even they fluctuate between one moment at a time, and focusing on how far you’ve come.

Two years plus one day since I last saw her.  And maybe now I can focus on counting something else for awhile.

Maybe.

And if not, that’s okay too, I’m working towards accepting me where I am.  It’s so damn helpful that I have a lot of other people doing the same.

5.17.18 part 2

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So, I went, drove into the parking lot, left, came back, sat in the car for 15 minutes, and then finally talked myself into actually going in, even though I was late.

My boss was amazing as usual and spent about 30 minutes just chatting with me, and pointed out to me how amazing it was that I kept in touch with her each day I was supposed to work, even while trying to keep myself out of the crisis unit (and at the time she had no idea it was that bad). I took the time I needed to get back on stable ground, and still came back once I was doing better.

That’s the part I wouldn’t have stuck with before. . .I never would have gone back.

And the thing is, when I decided I was ready for something like work earlier this year, I knew that I wanted to go with volunteer instead of paid work, first, because of the chance of something like this happening. And I knew that working in this field, and in the right office would be important because a supportive environment will make the difference for me. A paid job would most likely had to fire me at this point, but this was really good practice at how to handle a situation like this and next time (if there is a next time) I may be able to push through a little better, or come back a little sooner, and at least I know I can go back.

The same thing with school, I’ve been working towards my bachelors degree for 20 years now, and just now crossed the halfway mark. I never went back after I failed out of a semester of classes . . and i never managed to drop the classes if I was getting over my head (controlled crash and burn) . . and I keep going back, figuring out what I can change and trying again. I’m only moving inches at a time, but I keep trying. Eventually I’ll get there.

My boss just kept reminding me that I’ve come so far, and that I’m doing it one inch at a time but still making huge progress. I’m fighting against my brain every moment of every day.

Two years ago I couldn’t leave the apartment alone, and I couldn’t be left home alone for any significant period of time.

Two years ago I couldn’t walk around the block without stopping to catch my breath. I couldn’t walk up to my apartment without using the rails to drag me up.

Almost 2 years ago my world stopped turning, the bottom dropped out,

and I realized I could fly.

I used to post every time I walked a block, every time I went to the gym, every time I went to an appointment alone or got on a city bus. Now those are things I do without thinking twice.

And I know what I need to keep moving towards my goals. I knew what I needed when I took this volunteer job at United Way, and I know what I need to keep doing now. I’m getting there, one step at a time, even when some of those steps feel like they are backwards.

I just have to keep doing it.

5.17.18 part 1

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I’m trying like hell to do the thing.

I put United Way on hold for a bit while i pulled my brain out of it’s own ass during dumb brain week.

Now I’m trying to get back in this week and dumb brain is telling me dumb things about how they don’t want me and I’m not going to be able to make it and I’m having a hard time getting out of my own way.

I logically know this is dumb brain, mental health stuff, but that’s just making it worse right now . . . stuck in a fucking loop.

Other Side

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Here’s why ‘work’ felt amazing today.

When I was relying on food pantries and social service agencies and spending half the week finding whatever resource I could to pay bills and keep fed and still make it to doctors appointments …..

I’d show up at a food pantry and they wouldn’t be open during those hours anymore, or at all. Or, they’d hand me yet another box of cans to go with the 3 boxes of cans in the basement when what we really needed was some fresh food, meat, something that wasn’t loaded with salt and might make me feel human for a day or two. That meant I took time away from something else productive to get to something that wasn’t needed in that moment, or in the case of the closed pantry, that was completely useless.

Sometimes that meant spending money on transportation or using up a favor.

I said that we needed a wiki based program, something that could be updated by those of us using the services. Nothing is up to date by the time large agencies pass out lists or post them online and most of the small agencies don’t have the resources to man phone lines. And I started looking into what it would take to make it happen, at least locally. But it ended up slipping by the wayside.

United Way updates their database yearly on a rotating basis, I just started training to make the calls to the providers. She was emphasizing how important it is to get detailed information so the clients know up front what each provider is able to help with, to avoid wasting their time/energy. Fresh food vs canned, how much towards a bill, what are the income or paperwork requirements, etc.

And, they are working towards a searchable online system that would allow notes to be left by users. It’s a long way away but they know it’s needed because they can’t keep up either.

I don’t know if I’ll end up working here in a paid capacity, but it feels so good to be on the other side of this.

What Doesn’t Kill

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So, here’s the deal. I’m not going to be one of those people that say God doesn’t give you what you can’t handle. Because, seriously . . look at my life.

However, I was one that said this phrase, a lot. But, each one of these things that kept hitting me, kept making me more of the me I was meant to be. And then, after I recovered from each major thing I would look back and say I wouldn’t change a thing because it put me where I am today, and I’m right where I am meant to be.

Now, before I say this next phrase, please realize.

I Want Parker Back. I want my wife back. There is NO denying that.

However. That situation made me who I am and put me where I am right this second. So no, a year ago, I wasn’t already strong enough, because I wasn’t who I was meant to be yet. If everything would not have happened I would not be where I am this second.

And I’m right where I am meant to be.

And I love me. And that, is an amazing feeling.

One Year Ago Today. . . A Firefly Was Born

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Losing Parker was such an inconceivable idea that in all of my over thinking, over planning ways, it was ONE thing I had never considered. Parker and I were so strong as an us, that I had never considered a tomorrow without her in it.

I had thought about what would happen if I lost a parent, and how I would react to that. It’s one of those things we expect to happen unfortunately..

For a few years, Draven spent 3 months at a time living in Maryland at his dad’s, and due to him one day turning 18, I’d considered a time when he would not be in my house every day.

But, for the larger part of 8 years, I had never once considered waking up and rolling over without Parker beside me.

We were not perfect. From the outside, we often got comments that we looked like a fairy tale, and parts of our relationship absolutely were. We fit, and we were meant. When you put two people with similar diagnoses that close together, it is either going to be great, or it’s going to be horrible. We were pretty great. We understood it, and all of the parts of it. When things got rough we rode it out together. We took care of each other in ways that not many others would. We saw our weaknesses as also being our strengths. It took a shit ton of work and the people we were when we met, were not the people we were at the end. Some of it good, and some of it bad.

Those who are closest to me right now have heard about aspects of our relationship that I’m viewing through the lens of grief and I’m thankful that I get moments of clarity that I can see that the lens is putting a difficult view on it. I _loved_ her. Every single solitary, pain in the ass piece of her. Every bit of her dual sided self. And you know what, she adored me with every bit of her being.

This amazing woman who is no longer with us made the decision to sell almost everything she owned. She even gave up her BOOK collection . . and not just any books either. In order to get on a bus with 2 duffel bags and come to Maryland, to marry my crazy ass and move into a homeless shelter.

She had a place to go in Florida. But we couldn’t go together. I said I’d come up here and get established and she could follow. But she wanted to come together.

I miss her. I miss who she was, I miss who we were together.

We used to say, “Where have you been my whole life” “Becoming the person you fell in love with”

And the thing was, we fell in love with each other over and over and over again because we kept growing and kept becoming new people together. And sometimes we’d get stuck and we’d hang on for dear life to each other when that happened. And unfortunately, I didn’t realize her grip slipped.

I miss her.

I said early on . . .that her death could never be in vain. I thought I meant that her suicide had to prevent other suicides. That it had to be some grand cause to change the world. I thought I was going to go on a crusade to fix everyone.

I didn’t realize that her death did prevent at least one other suicide. Her death did change the world. And I didn’t fix everyone. But her death has made a huge start in fixing me.

The day Parker passed, I wrote in a message “Now I know how important my degree is. Now I know how important the crisis text line is. She lost her battle, mental illness took my Love, it doesn’t get my life, it doesn’t get another fucking life.”

That day I realized that survival was no longer an option. I either had to stand up, or I might as well lay down beside her, because that’s where the path was leading. I have grown more in this past year than I had in the previous 20. I have achieved more than I have ever in my life.

I finally feel like I’m going to make it, but at the same time, even typing that line brings me to tears because it took her dying to make me realize I don’t have to.

I cannot help but mourn her being gone this past year. As much as I started building myself up to celebrate my achievements weeks ahead of time, I’ve been crying for those same weeks. But I don’t have to focus on that side of grief.

The other side of grief is the growth. The choosing to live bigger and bolder and brighter. It’s the pink hair don’t care, self saving warrior princess.

Thinking back to May of last year. I had home health coming 10 hours a week. I had a hard time standing long enough to cook, couldn’t cook then clean up the kitchen, could barely sweep a room, let alone the house. I had to stop and take a break when walking up the 2 flights of stairs to my apartment. Grocery shopping required a day of rest before and after. I was diabetic, had severe swelling in my legs. I was incredibly sick, and miserable, and barely living. I couldn’t be alone for any length of time..

In the first days and months after she passed every single thing from getting out of bed to showering to cooking dinner was celebrated with a shout of “gold star” from others in the house. Home health care was increased to 20 hours and honestly I was scared, I think everyone was. There was a lot of fears of what if . . . . . . what if I was next, what if I didn’t make it out alive.

But now an entire year has passed. I fucking made it. I didn’t only survive without my wife, my soulmate, the one person I never imagined living without. I also had a open hysterectomy causing surgical menopause and started with a new diagnoses that causes headaches and vision issues.

And I did more than make it, I’m thriving.

I quit smoking, and I’m more active than I have ever been. I’ve gone from struggling to walk ½ mile, to easily walking over 5 miles. I rarely go an entire day without leaving the house and actively look for reasons to get out multiple times a day. I don’t just sit on the computer all day.

I’ve signed in 158 times at the gym since the last week of August (55% of all days since the day I joined). I’ve learned to set mini goals and attain them, 5 minutes of elliptical was a struggle in April, this week I made it to 60 minutes and now I’m looking for the next goal to push for.

I started school each semester and even though I bombed horribly I did what I had to do to control the crash and burn. Even more amazing for me is that I picked up and tried again the following semester. I’m now on my third try and I will make it through this time.

Last spring I couldn’t go to a doctor’s appointment alone. When the ovarian cyst and then surgery happened I needed people with me. Now I attend them all alone, advocating for myself, and firing doctors regularly who don’t meet my expectations. I’m advocating for myself the way I advocated for Parker, and often more. I found myself a primary care doctor who will push for me to get the care I deserve. I’m taking a step back when needed and not letting medical care become a full time job, I’m prioritizing and not letting it become my life focus.

I’m also healthier than I’ve been in quite some time. This is a mixture of so many things. Not just the activity level but also lowering stress. Having more fun, not spending so much time focusing on being sick and what I can’t do and instead focusing on what I can. I’m no longer considered diabetic, my blood pressure is normal, my cholesterol is getting better. My resting heart rate has dropped 35 bpm into the 70s.

I’m riding local busses alone, I’m traveling out of state alone. I can depend on myself to get around where I need to go. When I realize that I’m beginning to depend on someone else I take a step back and make sure I don’t forget to depend on myself.

I’m setting up trips to places alone, without thinking twice about the fact that I’m going alone. I’m going to new houses with new friends without losing my mind about it being new. I’m planning vacations to NYC during pride weekend without worrying about being in the middle of a big city during a big event. I’m not letting anxiety control my life, I’m dealing with it when it comes up instead of letting the fear stop me from trying.

I searched out and started going to meetups alone, including walking away from ones that didn’t work for me.

While I’m not sure that I’m ready to date, I’ve put myself out there and made a profile on dating sites, mainly looking for friends but being open to options. This allowed me to step back and figure out who I was separate from the “we” that I had identified myself as part of for close to a decade, but, going beyond that I’ve actually met people in person, and I’m developing new friendships.

I’m becoming more confident in who I am and letting myself be that person.

I got on the back of a mother fucking motorcycle and I went sledding.

I’m wearing what I want far more often than not. I spent a lot of years trying to blend in and hide. While I had changed my hair, I was still wearing dark colors and long loose skirts trying to avoid people noticing my body. I am me, all of me, and that’s this big, bright, bold manic pixie pastel goth kind of person. Society doesn’t tell me what I can accomplish due to my size, I leave people in the dust at the gym, so society doesn’t get to tell me what’s appropriate for me to wear.

I have been taking pictures and posting them, and it doesn’t matter how perfect they are.

I realized that I will fail and I will fuck up and I learned how to dust myself off and pick myself back up. I’m learning to forgive myself, I’m accepting that it’s okay to be a work in progress and a beautiful masterpiece at the same time.

I became a Self Saving Warrior Princess.

I miss her. I miss her with all that I am and every ounce of my soul. I miss her laugh and her smile and that little wink she’d do when I was losing my mind and she’d catch my eye when no one was looking. I miss her.

I don’t miss who I was. I didn’t have a choice but to grab this new normal and run with it. We don’t get to go back, we don’t get do overs. I don’t miss the old me, and while I absolutely want my wife back, I don’t ever want to forget what she taught me by losing her battle. I don’t ever want her death to be in vain.

Always and Forever, Forever and Always, In a different sort of way. Miss you like mad fucking crazy my dear wife, my dear Parker.

Thank you for being my firefly.