A friend told me to check out her Pinterest for some easy cooking ideas while I’m in PHP. I hadn’t even looked at Pinterest since long before Parker and I moved to Maryland. I finally figured out my log in information and realized I was already following most of my Facebook people. Today I started following the rest of my favorite cooking sites, too. Finally I started going through my old boards from 6 years ago, the last time I used it.
I found a board I had created, called, “For our future children” It was filled with pins of cute wooden toys, and 100% cotton clothes, and monkey and frog themed toys, and room designs.
It was from when Parker and I were trying to get pregnant. She wanted more than anything to have her own bio child because as much as Kidlet was equally hers, she wanted another. We had a donor and had even tried a few times before she started with the headaches.
And here I am on a trip where there has already been a joke about me coming back with baby fever.
Except I was already hesitant about starting over again when we were trying. I was totally in it with her, but at the same time, we had an 11 or 12 year old who was mostly self sufficient and left for 3 months at a time to come up to his dads. I was already starting to enjoy the freedom. I got my baby fix through doing daycare.
But I wanted to give her the world.
Sometimes I really do question our relationship. Things got clouded by the horrible circumstances we were in the last half. It was never easy, but the trauma on top of trauma in 2013 just destroyed who we were and who we were as a couple.
But here I am staring at a Pinterest board reminding me of the hours I spent looking at all of the future things for our child or children that would never happen because one thing let to another, which led to another, which led to her losing her grip.
Today I deleted all the pins, and renamed the board Grief. I’ll use it to pin all of my articles and blog posts that speak to me.
It’ll be a good way to remember the larger family that never was.